stars. sea. sun. and me.

2012-02-09T06:07:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish everyone would die.

Dreamy

2012-01-21T07:53:00.001+08:00

A total sucka for dreamy songs these days. Makes me feel so floaty and merry!

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here

I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

First Dance

2012-01-19T07:37:00.005+08:00

Definitely the song to dance to for my first dance with my new husband

We are gonna build a life together

You and I for ever and ever

And we'll make babies on the beach

Under the stardust

And I'll smile inside to know you're mine

Completely

Easily Pleased

2012-01-08T10:06:00.003+08:00

I have such short attention span when it comes to studying. Everytime I'm about to start studying for real, something else pops up in my mind and I'll be off doing something else the next second! So I'm just going to pop by real quick here.

Third day into my mission now. I love how I wake up to an aching body in the morning. Keeps me feeling motivated. I swear I'm starting to see some progress here. Instead of focusing on my papers which are due in 2/3 weeks, I'm putting so much attention on this. I sometimes really wonder if I am going to get through my masters. It is so fucking tough and this lack of motivation is really making things die out sooner.

*Love the way you call me gorgeous and beautiful, and telling me that I look amazing all the time. Sometimes little things like that just makes a girl happy, even if you don't mean it, it sounds like music to my ears.

Tight as Fuck

2012-01-06T03:19:00.004+08:00

19kg. Starts tomorrow. For real.

Start date : 6 January 2012

End date : 27 August 2012

Another New Year

2012-01-02T20:55:00.003+08:00

Not that I am feeling this song at all, but sounds pretty decent!

Sometimes when I am alone

I pretend I'm a queen

It's almost believable

Fuck You I Wont Do What You Tell Me

2011-12-15T01:34:00.003+08:00

Songs that instantly made me feel better today. Earphones stuck in my ears, full volume. My eardrums might tear again, but they feel so good to listen to now. If you're feeling edgy, irritated, agitated, stressed to no end like I am today, have a go at them. Works magic.

What?

2011-12-15T01:04:00.001+08:00

Going from one relationship to another looking for that missing puzzle only to find another missing puzzle surface.

How can / what exactly can satisfy this empty void?

Self?

2011-12-12T09:21:00.004+08:00

I'll slay all these demons with you

I will never let you die alone

I'll slay all these demons with you

I'll stay right here fighting for you

I will never let you down

I'll never let them through

Listening to the chorus with my eyes closed I can almost feel myself in a video game literally fighting off the demons.

I Would Rather Die

2011-12-09T06:27:00.003+08:00

Cried like a fucking baby.

Whoever you are out there, I will never make you go through this because I would rather die than to put you in this dilemma and myself in this pain to watch you go through this.

U to the K

2011-12-08T05:56:00.003+08:00

Wow. Can't believe I've been here for 2 months now. Last week I got an email from the scariest lecturer of my department asking me to see him for the classes I've missed. The worst thoughts flooded my head. I was so sure he was going to tell me that I'm gonna have to pack my bags and go home. Z telling me Rose's cousin got kicked out from uni cos she missed 3 classes worried me even more. So I finally met my lecturer today and he turned out to be pretty sweet (probably not the right word to describe your lecturer, but he was!). He just wanted to make sure I didn't get hit by the bus and die. You have no idea how relieved I felt!

Next week is already the last week of classes for the first term. And I am still feeling so surreal. I can't believe I am finally here. I have been wanting to study abroad or at least be away from home and who would think I will be doing my Masters degree now? I am so looking forward to spending Christmas with the girls! The Christmas I have been dreaming of is finally realizing! Proper Christmas dinner with the snow and Christmas songs, best of all with the girls! Somebody say ahhhhh with me!

I am just so grateful. I think I should Whatsapp my dad and thank him for what he's given me. Loving all the new friends I made. Just yesterday I was in bed the entire day, recovering from a sick ass hang over. I started drinking from 7pm up until 6am, a whole bottle of Whiskey to myself! On a goddamn Monday! Even I can't believe myself. I swore not to drink for the next 2 weeks... Let's hope that I keep that promise.

All these happiness apart, I'm feeling totally depressed I won't be seeing Tiesto! :( You won't understand how depressed I am because you will never know how much I love him! Just look at him!

*Really random here, I was just listing down some of my favourites in my head (in no particular order)..

Ryan Gosling

Bradley Cooper

Ryan Reynolds

Channing Tantum

James Franco

All These Mental Games

2011-07-02T16:16:00.005+08:00

Every couple of months, I get really agitated by everything and everyone. I feel like nothing is right, I hate everyone around me and I can literally feel my life going down the drain. Makes me feel like I'm in the dump and all I want to do is hide in my room and cry, not seeing everyone that I supposedly hate.

When I recover from it, I feel like I am mad. Sometimes I do think that I am crazy. It's like I have Bipolar Disorder or something. Sigh.

On another note, I am finally on track in my university application. It would be great if I could get into the university I want. All letters are done, cross my fingers and pray that everything goes well. I still cannot imagine myself living so far away from home on my own for a year, but I am also very much excited.

I hope I don't sound too baby saying this. I flew out of the country on my own 2 weeks ago and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I have never thought that something like this would make me nervous. I am really the person who doesn't bother to learn anything when it comes to airport stuff. I used to travel with my family and friends, and all I did was follow whatever they did, and I do not bother learning and remembering on my own because I know I am not alone and even if anything goes bad, I will not be the only one in shit.

Sometimes I think to myself.. What have I done wrong? You complain and complain about people but have you ever thought that people complains the same about you? When people do not agree with you or put up a fight against you to defend their point of view you think they are against you. But when people decides to stay quiet and not say anything, you expect them to, you expect them to put up a fight. Or you say they are oblivious.

So what should I do now? Put up a fight and risk having another long and tiring fight and eventually you hating me? Or stay quiet and risk having you accuse that I don't care?

People get tired. And they don't like to feel nasty feelings or be stuck in an ugly situation. So they run. I have found that to be the best solution. Run. Run and hide. Because after a while, the bad clouds go away. Call me a coward, you can. Sometimes they're too hard for me to handle.

Names

2011-05-22T16:31:00.003+08:00

I was just thinking about names (again). Then all these names start coming to my head.. So i'm just gonna list them down before I forget about them. I want to name my babies (or maybe dogs) these!

Boy

Kai

Brady

Zachary

Girl

Kyra

Noa

*Haha, I feel so obligated to add (Regards, Sara) under my posts. What working does to me.

This thing about Gestalt Figure Theory

2011-05-21T11:45:00.001+08:00

Today I woke up feeling just like 2 weeks ago. Then 'pop' came my surprise. Pleasant surprise I would say. Makes me think of the smell and music. Oh so familiar.

Funny how I feel so good to feel these feelings now when i know sometimes these feelings just makes me feel so sad.

Porque?

Phone blogging

2011-05-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging from my phone! Now how cool is this?! I've always been truly amazed at how smart the iPhone is! Honestly if you ask me, it has got to be the smartest phone ever. Not cos I'm using it, but try telling me some other phone's feature which is more interesting!

I can't believe (well actually I can) that I've been working for 2 and half months now. Another 4 and half months to go and I will be out of the country! Hopefully that is! Time is getting shorter, and I have not applied for anything yet and it's starting to worry me! I'm really worried that I will not get accepted into the university which I want to go to, but in at the same time, I'm not doing much. So I guess I would really have to set a week aside and dedicate that to writing my letter and getting every document prepared. I'm really excited to be honest, but I don't know why it seems so unreachable. You know they say (did they really? I dont know) that when you feel that way, it is quite possibly true that things will turn out that way :(

Sigh. I don't know. I really don't. I should just focus on getting my documents ready first. Sigh.

Vicious Cycle

2011-04-23T18:19:00.001+08:00

I watch this and know that it is so true. A cycle I cannot seem to let myself out of.

2011-02-11T16:06:00.000+08:00

Feelings are like the wind. They change before you even figure out which way they are blowing.

Instead, be the sun that you know is constantly shining. Even if it's hidden behind the clouds,

it's still there shining brightly!

Kandee Johnson

Must Go-es

2011-02-07T16:38:00.006+08:00

It seems that I've been missing out on parties a lot last year. And, every year's ZoukOut is sure to fall on my finals period, which is the most annoying party popper! Already Malaysia doesn't allow any more outdoor raves like the one we went back in 2008, I can't go to the one in our neighbour country. So, I've made up this list.. Of events I'd like to go. Hopefully I'll get to go in within five years? I guess I'm still very much a party girl at heart. I absolutely love the vibes of being in the midst of thousands of people and hearing cheers and screams and loud music. It gets my adrenaline pumping and all hyped up. So, here goes my list.. At least of what I can think of right now.

Number 1

I guess I should start off from the nearest and possibly the most achievable one, the infamous Full Moon Party in Koh Phangan, Thailand.

Number 2

Winter Music Conference in Miami, USA. This is where all DJs and producers gather and have a week long of music conference. Sure sounds like promising fun!

What not to love??!

Number 3

Superbowl in the States. This happened just yesterday I think. We all know how much the Americans take pride in their American Football. Something about the States that I like is that all these sports even the Lakers game which I'm going to write about next; they're so largely involved by celebrities, which makes it 10 times more fun (at least that's what I think).

Number 4

Los Angeles Lakers basketball game. Enough said.

Number 5

Any party by the beach in Ibiza.

Number 6

A Tiesto gig, with only him performing.

Moonlit Room

2011-01-31T05:00:00.007+08:00

Another day to February. Chinese New Year is 3 days away. I am starting to get really bored of this annual repetition. New Year -> Chinese New Year -> Valentines Day -> All the other public holidays -> Everyone's birthday -> Christmas -> New Year and all the same thing all over again.

Is something wrong with me or does everyone else feel this way? I constantly feel a sort of mild depression these days, starting from maybe a year back. Can't remember if I had these episodes years ago.. but I definitely am remembering the recent years.

Right now, I just wish that I am all alone in a place where wine is abundant and music is loud. I want to be alone in a place packed with people and loud music (can't help the fact that some music just sound so much nicer in club), watch people (try to) dance and get drunk. This was exactly how I felt weeks back. So I sneaked out at 2am and headed to MOS on a Thursday night, which I know will be jam packed, had the leftover bottle from Halloween at a corner of a closed section all alone. Just watching people, drinking just enough to get me there and it felt so good. The fact that I feel so safe and home in MOS tops it up. The thing about me, I really enjoy going to clubs alone, bonus when somebody tries to buy me a drink. I like doing a lot of things alone, in fact. It's so much easier doing things alone. I used to hate it. I used to be afraid of people laughing at me for being alone. Guess it takes some getting use to.

On a random note : If you ask me right now, whose life I'd like to live in if given a chance, I'd answer- a DJ's life. A successful one that is. It couldn't be more perfect.

Anyway, here's one that sounds really good on good speakers.

****

If you are wondering why this fatty only blogs depressive posts.. here's why. Cos I only blog when I am feeling... depressed?? Only when I'm depressed, I feel a need to rant. It'll be unfair if I just grab someone to listen to all my rants. So I'd much rather write it here and at the end of the day, it's your choice to read or not!

When there's no where left to run, run with me

2011-01-14T21:15:00.003+08:00

When there's no where left to run, run with me

Let the moment be a sanctuary

When it's all that you've become, set it free

Let this moment be a sanctuary

I Miss Bali!!

2011-01-12T02:20:00.005+08:00

♥♥♥

I was looking at some random people's Bali album on Facebook. Made me miss the Bali trip I had last year, so I went and look at my album. It made me miss Bali even more :( The last I came back, I swore to not go back again because I didn't have a good company, it would have been much more fun if I did. Who would have guessed I would miss it a year later. Man. It was also during that period I felt the happiest. Time has passed, so much has changed since then.

I miss riding on the back of the bike, getting myself tanned on the way. I miss the hustling and bustling of the town. I miss all the shops and people I see while riding by. I miss the beautiful sunny days. I miss the sea breeze. I miss looking at beautiful resorts by the sea. I miss. I miss. I miss. I think I'm having Bali sick.

♥♥♥

I wish

2011-01-11T03:06:00.004+08:00

I wish I could just die and feel no more.

I wish I could just forget and remember no more.

I wish I could just run and stay no more.

I wish I could just . . . . . be alone.

2011

2011-01-03T02:32:00.003+08:00

Already the third day of 2011.

How fast time seem to zip past. I have only finished my final (literally final) exam 2-3 weeks back, but I felt like it's been ages. My parents have started pressuring me to get a job the first week I was done with exams. Lucky me, I've already started applying while I was doing my finals cos I knew they would expect me to do so. Also, I don't want to sit around at home, do nothing and eating off my parents. So, I finally got a job interview. My first interview is in 12 hours! I hope I get that job. It's only 5 minutes drive away from my house, and it's some fashion retail company. Perfecto.

New Years celebration this year is just alright. Nothing to shout about. In fact, I was feeling really shitty the first day of 2011. No idea why, I stayed home the entire day. Even now, all I feel like is rolling in my bed and cuddling. 2010 didn't end really well. It ended with ShuLi, SinLing and I swimming in the same pool of water as 3 dead kids who drowned at the waterfall just 2 hours before we arrived. It was a holiday turned disaster for them. It's just hard to imagine, if we hadn't been lost on the way there, it could have been us. Or, we could have witnessed their drowning.

I guess I'm feeling kinda depressed I have grown so fat, I cannot wear 90% of the clothes in my wardrobe. I really ought to do something about it. So, a week or two back, I started doing some leg-lifting exercise, and it turned out, my stomach grew bigger. Believe it or not, everytime I exercise, I seem to grow bigger. The only exercise I can do is dance. Maybe I should really borrow the speakers and some dance music from my boyfriend so I can start dancing at home. Sigh.

Alright now, nothing exciting from me at the moment.

Happy New Year & wish me luck!

Unimaginable

2010-12-22T03:55:00.003+08:00

Like I mentioned in the post before, I've been watching a lot of the homicide videos. It just hits me how crazy the law of justice is. People can be put into jail for a decade or 2 for a crime that they didn't commit. There were just too many questions I have to ask, which makes me even more frustrated that the world that we live in is like this, why can people be so ignorant? so evil? so heartless? In the same time also made me realise people can have such strength in them enduring years and years of wrongful accusation. The whole thing is just pure craziness. 2 of these cases that I have watched, the accused were only 15 and 17 when they were charged with murder. They were basically put into jail, wasted the most important years of their lives in prison because of some stubborn, hard-headed cop/detective. By the time they got out of jail, they're already middle-aged. I can't imagine if that happens to me. I think I would scream and cry every single day, hit the wall or myself, or anything in sight. It's amazing how they remain their calm and optimism. Honestly, I would have died the first day I get thrown into prison. If I fail to die, I would be locked in an asylum. I would definitely have gone crazy. But you know, they say you won't know how strong you really are until you are thrown some hardships. But whatever it is, I would have gone berserk. I would maybe even start killing people to make my stay in the prison worthwhile.

Anyway, these are the videos if you are interested. I don't know many people who would actually watch episodes after episodes of these documentaries like I do. I'd really love it if there is someone out there who shares the same interest. This is the one reason I am so interested in Criminology and Forensic Psychology. Think I'm going to rewatch all the serial killer documentaries.

Case of Tim Masters. Only 15 when accused of murder. Imprisoned for 10 years before all chargers were finally dropped. Just look at how the interrogators forced and manipulated him into admitting murder. I feel so sick.

Case of Marty Tankleff. Only 17 when accused of murder of his parents. Put behind bars for 17 years for nothing.

You can watch a continuation of the videos from the embedded videos I've posted. There are a few parts to it. God bless their soul.

Jingle-Ling-a-Ling

2010-12-22T01:23:00.005+08:00

It is now 3 days away from Christmas. The funny thing is, I know Christmas is near, but I didn't realise how near it really is until 2 days ago. This is the time again for Christmas songs, and feel warm and cuddly while listening to them. Definitely my favourite season of the entire year. I have always imagined a Christmas with snow and a huge Christmas tree and fire place at home, seeing joyful kids running around. The usual annoying little pricks who scream, cry and yell suddenly seem so angelic in my imagination. This is what Christmas can do to someone. Teehee.

I even found pictures to show you

Whenever Christmas is around the corner, I would begin to start thinking of a warm dinner with family members over a long table with all the traditional Christmas food and wine with soft Christmas songs playing in the background. Well, my family does have dinner, but not quite usually the scene depicted. Lots of food, but not angmoh kind of food, definitely no wine.. Plus, we used to have crazy screaming kids running around (my sisters one of them). Now that those kids have grown up, our dinner appears to be more civilized.

One more thing related to Christmas. I would really like to have a taste of eggnog though the name of it makes my tummy sick. I heard it's a drink made up of egg and alcohol? Just the thought of drinking egg. Ugh. But since everyone (everyone meaning people in the movies) liked it so much, I'd like to give it a try.

Apart from getting in to the Christmas mood, I have also started watching all the homicide documentaries again. Reminds me again of the passion I have for these kinds of thing. I'd really like to be the one interviewed on how I caught the criminal. I'd like for myself to feel the satisfaction and pride after being able to solve a crime. I really hope I get at least a second class upper degree. Otherwise I'd be shy myself to ask for my dad to let me further my studies. In the mean time, I'm searching for jobs to fill up my time. In fact, I've already started searching before I completed my exams. Hopefully somebody replies me before the year ends. I want to start asap, earn as much money as I can. Prospects are looking pretty good.. I didn't believe I could get up to a 2.8k salary until I saw it for myself.

p/s : I wish people would come carolling at my house. Also, I'd very much love a tan right now. I hope the sun is bright and shining tomorrow. Tanning for Christmas and New Years!

Until then, I hope everyone has a merry merry Christmas!

Mmmm so warm...

Just A Note.

2010-12-16T20:50:00.005+08:00

Just a thought I have. Having read so much these days, this just came to my mind. No matter how much a person tries to hide it, pain will always seep out through the tiniest hole. You can deny however much, or run however far, but you can't hide. Truth will always come to you. Sometimes, if not most of the time, the things you say and do give you away.

I guess the more you try to suppress it, the more it wants to surface, and when it does, it gives you a full blown effect. One way to cope with it when you feel you have no other way, is you try to defend yourself. You try to put a strong front to your dissolving insides. You try to turn all that pain, shame and anger into something else, to prove that you are no inferior creature. You try to say that you don't care. You even try to go to the length of convincing yourself that you really don't. You may, to a certain extend start to believe that you don't, until something happens then you realise the truth is, you can't not care. Sometimes, a little ignorance and denial gets you along life, but putting your entire life on it just kills you.

Sure, telling yourself and perhaps others that you can cope makes you feel better about yourself. It helps But only temporarily. You know that best. To get rid of a problem, you would first have to admit that you have one.

****

Dash Berlin is coming to town. But I guess I won't be going :( One of my favourite songs.

When Will You Really Learn?

2010-12-16T19:27:00.002+08:00

Sigh. Dear you,

I gave this a long hard thought before deciding to post this up. I want to be the bigger person and just forget about what puny, little you wrote. But I figured, I can't be such a bad person, leaving you in your little bubble, thinking that all you think and do is right. I really don't want to pick a fight with you. The least I want to do right now is to have any contact with you what so ever. I think I've made myself very clear over the thousands of times we've bumped into each other in Centrepoint. If you still have not gotten my message yet, here goes : I WANT TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU! You see, I really hope this is the last we will have any contact of any form. So please, read this word for word and read it clear.

First of all, you cannot be any more contradicting than you have been in your blog post. First you said my picture reminds you of how much you hated us but after that you said you don't hate us. Then you keep saying friends are not important to you yada yada.. Maybe you don't realise this. Every single post of yours translates to 'I don't have friends anymore, that is why I am bitter!'. One glance at your blog, doesn't take a smart ass to know you're still hanging on to that grudge, thinking that everyone owes you something.

Let's not dig all the up the old stuff again. I know, you know and everyone knows who started the bitching. But I just want you to know, the world is not as dark. There is such a thing called friend. You just have to be a true friend to that person, and that person will be a true friend to you. Simple reciprocity. I really hope you find your friend someday.

Please don't do this to ShuLi. You're putting her in a very difficult position, just so you know. So don't say that you don't have any friends. Because when people want to be friends with you, you do this to people. You brought this on to yourself. Honestly, how long have we been friends before? I've given you enough chances to make up to whatever damage you've done. So if you don't know how to appreciate it, don't blame it on others. Have you ever thought why would everyone do this to you? No? Is it everyone else's problems but not yours?

Lastly, if you think you've improved your personality and character, good for you. But just a gentle reminder, talk is cheap. Don't only talk the talk, but learn to walk the walk. Clearly, what I see is not what you claimed!

Despite you having removed your blog post, I still want to post this up. I want you to know that you cannot post up those things just as you like, just because you are angry. I have not done anything to you after that blog post I wrote to you years ago. I just wanted a clear steer away from you. I am tired of all these, I hope you are too.

Oh Malaysia

2010-12-09T14:47:00.004+08:00

What is really effed up about Malaysia is its laziness and also ignorance. Whenever I call up and complain about something or just wanting to change something, I have to waste double or triple of my time to get what I want. People here are so lazy, they think they're hired for nothing. They are placed in the customer service department or the front desk for a purpose - To help their customers. But no, they just sit there, press a few buttons, answer a few calls, and when there's a problem 'too big' for them to handle, they ask you to go somewhere to look for help when they can actually just fire some extra neurons in their brains, your problems will be solved.

What I learn is not to budge. Just stand there or wait on the phone (and make a lot of noise) until the person gets so annoyed at you, he or she will figure a way to help you out. I've done this a few times and it has always worked. They are just too damn lazy, so our job is to make them do what they're really hired for.

Since I'm already on this topic, let me just rant a little more. I called up Streamyx a moment ago to cancel my upgrade plan, the person on the line told me she can't do anything and that I have to drive all the way to the centre and queu up all over again to cancel it. And me, being the persistent bitch, I stayed on the line and annoyed and pestered her to do something about it because there is no way I'm queueing up all over again. After a good 15minutes, she finally gave in, and voila, problem solved. So much for not being able to do anything.

I just don't understand why do they keep saying there's nothing they can do when they always manage to help me solve my problem or get what I want in the end of the day? Can't they just try? If I were to be me years ago, if they were to tell me there's nothing they can do and that I should call xxx, I would have done that. Then the xxx would have told me that they can't do anything, I have to look for yyy and that would waste a whole bunch of my time when in actual that first call I made could have already made everything right!

Sigh, Malaysia.

-

2010-12-08T16:25:00.002+08:00

There are times when I feel like just giving up because there is absolutely nothing left for me to hang on to. But sometimes I just want to fight for it so much because I think there is still something that I can clutch on to. So is there a thing or is there not?

Face Problem

2010-11-17T02:22:00.002+08:00

You know how you can like that someone (as a person) the very first time you saw him/her? You feel like you can already click without having to get to know that person. Even though you don't know what you will talk about (or even if there is anything to talk about) when you both meet. He/she just gives you the 'oh-so-friendly-so-easy-to-like-him/her' vibe. And you don't know why but you just like that person. But there are some just some pricks that you have this hatred towards, no matter how much you try to hang out with them for the sake of trying to change your impression towards them, you still hate them and you just don't know why. I have these both people in mind right now. I can't figure out why. It is said that ugly people are the ones that not many people will think and feel fondly of, but the person that I just can't seem to like is not at all ugly. It is definitely not a jealousy issue. So, I really can't figure out why.

I once heard that people who have square-ish faces are usually people that most people hate on. I don't find it true though. I don't hate Paris Hilton, I kinda like Bernice Liu (she seems like a very nice person), I definitely like Zingi. So, so far, no square-faced human that I hate (or at least can think of to hate because those were the only 3 person I know with square faces).

It is just so interesting how the human mind is.

Crazy people in the world

2010-11-01T03:47:00.002+08:00

Things at this point are looking fairly good. I'm pretty comfortable with what I have and what I can do now. However, there's this one thing that's bugging me. I've recently found out that some chick (or maybe a dude) created a Facebook profile using all of my pictures. I mean I feel really violated. I had everyone report the psycho to Facebook but it is not working at all. It feels really creepy to have your pictures out there. I mean, clearly it is my own stupidity. I didn't think that anyone in my friend list would actually be so free to do such a thing. That psycho actually saved hundreds of my pictures and posted it as her own. I thought I screened through who I accept as friends thorough enough. Oh well, whatever it is, I just hope Facebook actually does something to that account. It is just too scary to know that there is such sick person out there!!!!!!!

Letter to Santa

2010-10-23T02:08:00.003+08:00

Dear Santa,

I'm gonna make an early Christmas wish this year. I wish that you would ride your sleigh here and take all of these away with you to be thrown out of the universe. Take away everything that has got to do with it. Every single bit of it because I don't want this anymore. Please grant me this wish, I promise I'll be good. Thank you.

p/s : If you can, help me skip time so I can skip pass all these assignments!

Love,

Sara

Post #222! :)

2010-10-21T17:43:00.002+08:00

Let's dance in style. let's dance for awhile

Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies

Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Lets us die young or let us live forever

We don't have the power, but we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip

The music's for the sad man

So we livin' life like a video where the sun is always out

And you never get old and the champagne's always cold

And the music's always good

Without a wrinkle in today 'cause there's no tomorrow

Just a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime

And it never ends cause all we have to do is hit rewind

So let's just stay in the moment, smoke some weed, drink some wine

Reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind

The Complicated Human Bond

2010-10-14T01:09:00.010+08:00

I just took a long bath. A cold one today, because the weather is unbearably hot! I love long showers at night when everything is quiet, though they say that it's no good to shower at night but I just love the idea that I'm clean head to toe before I sleep. Makes me feel pure. I sleep late, hence I shower late. When I was showering, I thought of my sisters. Now that they've grown up, they will go through the boy/girl relationship phase just like everyone else. I actually am very eager to see their boyfriends, especially Germaine's because she is such a quirky funny person. Who would they choose to be their boyfriends, how will their boyfriends be like.. How would it be like to see them in love. I think it's kinda cute. Don't you think?

Then, another thought popped up. I think it's bad to stay single all the time because then, your friends would get so used to you always being there. You're the person to go to, you're always the third person who sticks around. Eventually when long enough, they'll feel like you, your friend and his/her gf/bf are a 'group'. Then when you finally have someone in your life, and have someone else as your priority, your friends will feel like you've left them. Yes, they are happy for you that you have finally found your other half so to speak, but they would still expect you to be around like you always have. Then they would start getting angry at you for missing some of the activities that you used to take part in but they would deny getting angry after that. They would try to rationalize that it's not their fault they're angry, it is you who are abandoning them, it is you who have changed. The next thing you know, they're saying that you're spending too much time with your partner. (I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's normal for a new couple to be sticking to one another more often than not.) And you, being the good friend that you are, will try to defend your friends when your partner tells you that your friends are just not used to you having a new person in your life. I'm not saying that it's their fault, or anyone's fault for that matter and I think it's kinda normal for them to feel that. It's gonna take some time for them to adjust, but I guess it's kinda bad for you. Cos then you will feel the guilt, like you've neglected your friends.

I know, because I have been through all these. Both sides of it. Being the friend and the girlfriend.

I would also hate it when my boyfriend chooses to spend time with me, but not his friends but in the end tries to tell me that he's have neglected his friends because he wanted to spend time with me. I hate that, especially when I am not the kind of person who would want you to myself 24/7, I would even encourage you to spend your time with your friends just like the old times, have a boys night out. Feel what you used to feel with your friends again. I guess we all need these.

I've had an ex boyfriend who literally said this to me. 'Why are you always out with your friends. Why can't you just go out with me? Who is more important? Me or your friends?' When those words were uttered out of his mouth, I was dumbfounded. At that time, I was trying to balance my time among my friends, him, myself and my family (which I spent the least time with, and I shouldn't take them for granted I know). But he didn't see that, and I was pissed. I told him not to make me choose between him and my friends because I don't do that. It is unfair and childish, even stupid to make a person choose like this. Oh well, let's just say I'm glad the nightmare is gone, he's found someone else to haunt. And apparently that person he is haunting is pretty happy with him. He's finally found his match. I could never understand today what made me go out with him at the first place. What's even worse was what made me stay one and a half years.

Oh well. Life's like this but I hate that I have to learn it like this. I'm hungry now.

Fix You

2010-10-05T18:16:00.004+08:00

I guess there is never a definite answer to everything. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. Mine is to confront and confront and confront until I find the answer. I can never be at peace with myself if my question is not answered. Of course, I would like to think of myself as someone who understands and someone who can see the big picture, but I can't help but wonder when I am searching for answers, do I look past the answer that has already been given simply because it wasn't the answer I was looking for or was my question simply not answered? I often think of that, and I confuse myself so much at times.

I watched a really depressing movie today called Wit, by the actress Emma Thompson. I think watching it just once would be enough. It was depressing and to a certain extend boring. But it makes us realise things. One thing I got from it is that different people cope differently. Sometimes it might seem really frustrating that you cannot understand why the person chooses to cope that way, and not the way you chose, but I guess this is life and not everything has to be done your way because everyone is just different and they have different life experiences hence, different ways of thinking. One exact same sentence may mean a whole new meaning to different people. I think even the most empathetic and understanding person in the world wouldn't be able to understand everyone's feelings, actions and the reasons leading to their actions.

Lessons are not to be taught by others but ourselves. We teach ourselves the lessons learnt in life for it is the things that we do that makes us bear the consequences and other people's actions and words towards us and the feelings and impact we feel upon those treatments we get from people, hence resulting in us learning.

Now comes my question. People who choose to deal with their problems on their own. Are they really brave? Or are they just cowards? Brave in the sense they do not need anybody's help, support and understanding and that they can deal with their problems just fine with no help at all. And coward in the sense where the person appears to be dealing with his/her problem on his/her own where he/she is actually denying the problem, and running away from the problem?

I don't know. There are just too many questions these days. As if my life doesn't give me enough questions, lecturers in college are constantly asking these questions. I am actually not complaining, it just amazes me a lot. Lets just say the world and the people in this world that makes everything so complicated just takes my breathe away. Sometimes I learn something today, and a few days later, I forget about it. I stop thinking about it because I'm preoccupied with some other thoughts, and it eventually went out of my head entirely. I don't want that to happen, that is why I'm writing this down, to remind myself. It may seem very boring to read, but I guess it only matters as long as I understand what I'm writing.

Hmm

2010-09-28T15:52:00.003+08:00

I was just thinking, being someone's friend is a real tough job. Needless to say, being someone's best friend is almost like the world's hardest challenge God can give you. When you're sad, you expect your friends there to cheer you up, when you're happy you expect your friends to be happy for you too. But when something/someone else new come along in your life, you expect your friend to wait because you think that they'll always be there and that they'll understand your absence. After that something/someone is gone in your life, you crawl your way back to your friends and expect them to accept you again. I guess this can also apply to our family. Ironic isn't it the way we use the people closest to us. Maybe it is true in the past life we're linked to one another and what we're doing now is paying off all the never-ending debts that we owe everyone. This way, our relationship will never end until the end of time because we're always owing each other stuff! So really, my life has been revolving around all the same people I'm with now lifetimes after lifetimes. This brings me to my next question. What was ShuLi in her past life?

Random Thoughts

2010-09-23T19:53:00.007+08:00

I should really refrain from blogging until I have other things to talk about other than my feelings. I'm going to appear to be like a nutcase with Bi-polar disorder even I can't stand myself. I guess this is what happens when I let my emotions take over me. Emotion motivates behaviour.

This month has really been a bad month. I've known of 5 deaths in 2 weeks. 3 of those who are as old as me. Life is so fragile. First, there is this celebrity dying season. Starting from the Hong Kong artists from Roman to Leslie Chung to Anita Mui to Lydia Sum. Then came Hollywood stars from Farrah Fawcett to Michael Jackson to Anna Nicole Smith to Heath Ledger to Brittany Murphy and many more that I can't remember. Then now it's people around me, though not directly related to me but someone who've I've crossed path with. Who is next? The people closest to me? Or will it be me? Honestly, I'm not so afraid of dying. I think I've mentioned this before somewhere in my previous posts, it is my loved ones and people closest to me. It is their deaths that scares the piss out of me. I cannot bear to feel that lost for the rest of my life. Just the thought of it makes me whimper (more like bawl) like the biggest baby. It scares me. So I always tell my friends nobody can die before I do because I don't want to be the one feeling the pain. I always think that living up to 65 would be enough since people 'usually' die about that time. My parents might still even be alive at that time. But no, now everything has changed. Everyone seems to be dying, like dying is the trend, the in thing to do.

This is totally random, but I read in the news awhile back that this pole dancer broke her neck while rehearsing. This brought me to a lot of thinking. Everyone thinks that all these unfortunate things only happen to other people but not themselves or the people they love. It doesn't really hit them until it really happens.

I used to think that I have seen and heard of just about anything in this world. As I attend more classes in uni, the more I feel this world has this never-ending things for me to explore. It is so much more complicated and interesting than what I know of it. I might not get the best grades in school but I feel all these things that I learn from what my lecturers say are somewhat more educational and useful for me. I have never thought of the world and people the way that I have today. It sometimes scares me a little to know that there is actually so much more that I don't know about.

At my workplace (which I have just quit last night), I hear so many things about people who work there. Their stories really sadden me. I want to help them so bad, but I don't know how. It brings me to think about how I am so dissatisfied about my own life and how ungrateful for all the things that I already have when there are people far worse than me. I am always taking the simplest things for granted when there is really nothing that I should be given. All these things that I have been hearing about 'I won't know how fortunate I am until I see what the real bad is' is really starting to make real sense. Sometimes I just choose to shut off and rather not know how bad people's lives are because I hate this feeling inside me after hearing it, or even watching videos about people torturing each other or animals or just how bad someone's life can be. I guess I just don't want to accept that the world can be this dark, and that people can turn out to be such a devil.

Call me whatever you want, but I think God really exists. I may not look like the kind of person who believes in God, but I do. Just last night, I was feeling so frustrated and sad and helpless, just all the combination for you to go nuts, depression seem to be sipping in and I thought maybe I could give this praying thing another try. I haven't been praying or going to the church in the longest time. Sometimes it sucks to be God because when I am happy and when everything seems to be on top of the world, I would never think of praying (I might sometimes say a little prayer of thanks but I really force myself to do it because it is something right to do and I should do it), but whenever something bad happens I am suddenly holy, praying and hoping that he can help me feel better. I guess a lot of people are like this, which is kinda sad. So anyway, back to praying last night. Believe it or not, I felt better instantly, even today, no signs of depression. For the past 3 weeks, my emotions have been going up and down faster than you can say anything, every single day I go through same process and I have to admit that it was killing me inside, so bad that at one point I thought I might have gone crazy. You can even see it from my blog posts and tweets. Bare in mind, I have not even let out everything for the world to see so that is not the maximum level of bitterness I feel. If you think what you see is bad enough, it is really nothing close to what I feel inside. For a moment I'm up and the next I'm all the way down. But today, for the entire day, I felt peaceful for the first time in 3 weeks. Hopefully I will be like this for the following days. I cannot afford to screw up my last semester. I don't want to disappoint my old man. He has done enough for me and I haven't done much to give him what he deserves from me.

Such a lengthy rant, I know. But I just can't help it. Though I don't really want to let anyone know what I'm feeling but somehow I just want someone know. Get it?

Happy Birthday? Bleh.

2010-09-13T03:04:00.005+08:00

So, it's my birthday today. But not exactly a happy day for me. Yeah, I know I feel like slapping this bitter Sara too. Just slap her so hard so that she can stop being like this, will you? I am so sick and tired of myself. Bums all the fun out of everything. I'm getting all these happy birthday message in Facebook, but really. How many really mean it?

Sigh. I should stop being so whiny really. I wish I could be a more simple person and want only all the simplest things in life and feel only the simplest feelings on earth. Gah. Moving on, the night out with the girls last night was really fun. I haven't gotten so drunk with them in a long time. I just wish I didn't have to pass out like that. And I wish the night could have lasted longer. This year is the first time I've ever made a birthday wish and meant it.

There are just way too many people dying these days. I really want to know how does it feel like after I die. How would people react? How would people feel? Your passing makes the headline for a day or two. But eventually, you get forgotten just like that. People move on. It is sad, isn't? One minute, you become such a big deal to everyone. Even more than you have when you were alive, but the next, you're just stale news. Why did God make us with feelings? Why?

After reading my sister's blog, all I see her talk about is God. Ok, that's not all that she talks about but she talks a big deal lot about that. I really wish I could be like her and have so much trust in someone. Knowing that you can depend on that someone whenever. Oh well, I don't know. I am just blabbing right now. I feel like I have so much to say. But don't know how.

Just one last wish I would like to wish for. I wish that I can stop being such a whiny emotional bitch. Beats the shit outta me. AND, I wish for all hypocrites and people who think they know it all to burn in hell. Ok, that's all.

I was really looking forward to Monday a few days back. But I just don't think that I need that now. Why run after it when it's running away from you? Why? Why make your life so miserable Sara? Why?? Why do this to yourself? If I were to leave, would you realise what you really want? Would you regret what you haven't done and what you could have done? Would it be too late by then? I really pray that I can stop all these thoughts running in my head. I feel bad for the people around me for the person I have become.

Sunny Day

2010-09-09T14:53:00.003+08:00

So okay, after what seems like foreverness of sadness, gloominess and bitterness, I am actually feeling really good today. Finally caught up on my sleep. For the past week, I was not only sad over the break up, but I was so extremely worried about some uni stuff. The story is this, this is supposedly my last semester if I manage to get all my subjects cleared. When class started, the schedule and everything were perfect. All the subjects offered are subjects that I have not taken. Only one bad news, all these classes are capped at a limited number of seats. I was late for enrolment, so I was worried sick, but I applied still. Waited a day to know the results, every subject I enrolled for went through except for one! If I didn't take that subject now, I have to wait next semester to do it. Which means, I have to dedicate one whole semester to do only ONE subject! I didn't want that. Who would want that???

So I appealed here and there, went everywhere begging for my uni to let me enrol. But everyone said that there's nothing they can do. I have to wait until the last day of enrolment to see if anybody opts out so that I can take their place. So there, I went today, praying hard that somebody chose to leave. AND I GOT IN! You have no idea how relieved/glad/happy I was.

Everything feels so much better today. Even the weather is beautiful. *sigh of relief*

On a side note, I saw flyers of MOS on the floor of my uni's parking lot today. When I saw Patrick's face printed on those flyers, I stood there in a moment of awe. It just feels so weird. I have no idea how to explain this feeling. To think that you once had something with the person printed on the flyers that everyone is passing around (and stepping on after that) just gives you a kind of funny feeling. Even more so when so many things that happened recently happened because of him.

Don't mistake me for saying that I am not over Patrick. After all that has happened, I am absolutely sure that he is gone with the wind. Enough said about him now.

And to YOU, I know you're a big time stalker. You will someday read this. I know it. I'm going to give you as long as you need. Of course, I hope that you take as little time as possible! Everything will change if you let it, if you let me, if you let us. Only time will tell.

Maybe my birthday wouldn't be as disastrous as I think it may be. Looking forward to Monday :)

p/s : I cannot thank you girls enough for the past week. It means so much even when all you do is come out and have a drink with me. Big wet kiss XXX

2010-09-08T03:24:00.005+08:00

Please forgive this sappy me. I just have too much time alone. I figure that it is unhealthy to manifest all these feelings inside, I have no where more private than my blog to rant. I used to rely on Twitter, but I can't anymore. Facebook is useless. I pray that I can sleep longer tomorrow so that I do not have so much time awake. I have slept only a maximum of 2-3 hours for the past 3 days. This has to stop.

'Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone' - Paul Tillich.

'When we truly realise that we are all alone is when we need others the most' - Ronald Anthony

***

I hear the ticking of the clock

I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark

I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone

And the night goes by so very slow

I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside

And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night

***

Sorry

2010-09-08T02:24:00.003+08:00

Black and blue from the wind and the rain,

Said I'm sorry for the lies and the pain

I never ever meant to make you cry

If I could take it back, you know I would,

I wanna burn up and die

-Stereophonics

***

I Don't Want To Know It's Over, So Save Your Goodbyes

2010-09-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

I Feel So Obliged To Give Every Post A Title

2010-09-07T13:59:00.003+08:00

I feel much relieved now. It's like I've achieved a whole new level of peace. Ceh. Kidding lah. All I know is that for what is worth, I have done everything I could. Things don't work one way.

While on my way to my uni's main block, some 19 year old kid chatted me up. He is trying to apply for NYU and being the Ivy League University that they are, applicants are required to write some sort of.. I don't know what's the word for it exactly, but it's like a resume or some sort. You get the idea. So, the kid showed me his as he wanted me to give him some feedback. I didn't read word by word, but one of the things that he wrote about was hunger. It is written that no one would work as hard as a hungry person, and I cannot agree more. As self-explanatory as may seem, I feel that it brings a very deep meaning to it. Don't you think?

I know I have to stop sounding like a philosopher who is a hundred years old now, combining the post I've written this morning and this. But I just had to share it :)

On a side note, I've spotted dandruff on my head for the first time in my life! Horrendous! As if I don't have enough problems to worry about. On a side side note, I finally have my appetite back now (I'll try not to eat like there's no tomorrow now. Since the motivation is still there, I just ate 3 pieces of biscuit for lunch. A bit guilty though, the biscuits are coated with sugar). However, the sleeping part is still very much lacking though. It's a wonder where I get all the energy from. Must be the fats, really.

So long now.

Love,

The very much enlightened me

Fate, Destiny, Whatever you call it...

2010-09-07T05:17:00.007+08:00

Everything happens for a reason.

So much is going through my mind. All the would have's and wouldn't have's. I wouldn't have thought this would happen just a week ago. I wouldn't have thought that all these that had happen would change the way I think in such a short time. There is so much I have learnt. I guess this is the wake up call that God is giving me.

I have always been selfish, putting myself first in a lot of things. Thinking that life is too short to worry about other people. But really, I am not living in this world all alone. Every decision I make affects other people directly and indirectly. Yes, I have not been entirely selfish by ignoring everyone else's feelings and needs, but I have to admit that most of the time, it was me I cared most about. After what happened a year ago among our group of friends left a huge hole in me. It has taught me so much that I thought those were the only things I needed to learn in life.

Every other thing that has happened taught me to live for myself, because for every person's opinion that I worry about, I would be so busy trying to please others but myself. It is true, yes, but only to a certain extend. I thought that I have gone through so much in life that I think I know it all. I think that by holding on to that rule, my life would be smooth sailing.

But I guess you can't live by just one rule in life.

Apologizing really doesn't mean that everything would be alright and that you should be forgiven just because you said sorry. Sometimes no matter how sorry you are, it won't change a thing that has happened. Things will just never be the same.

You cannot judge a person just by what you see and hear because what happens deep down inside that person, you don't know. You were not in his/her shoes.

Every decision that you make, makes you the person you are. Once your decision is made, you have to live with the consequences that comes with it. And one tiny decision can change everything.

Sometimes when you think you can handle everything on your own by keeping everything inside, you really can't. There is a limit to everything, there is only so much one person can take and do.

Not everything is really as simple as it seems and the simplest thing to you might cause the biggest complication of all.

Ego is not one thing that keeps you surviving. It keeps you feeling high and mighty for awhile, but what is your ego when you lose someone you care about over it?

Never take people/things for granted.

Don't be too certain of things. Everything can change.

Karma really does exists.

We have all heard of all these before but you will not know the true meaning of it until something real happens to you. Then, those words would carry some weight. They mean something instead of just sentences made up by words. Isn't life complicated? My lecturer once said that the human brain is the most complicated and powerful thing ever. It can make you think so much, do so much and feel so much. I can't agree more.

Picnic By The Park

2010-08-21T19:40:00.005+08:00

I've had this urge of going for a picnic for the longest time. What I imagine my picnic to be is where all you see are greens, all you hear are birds chirping, and all you feel is the sun shining on you and the tickle of your hair on your face from the result of the soft breeze blowing your way.

Just imagine all of the above with maybe the additional sound of waterfall nearby, a bottle of wine, your favourite book and your favourite music on the iPod. A few eye-candies won't hurt anybody ;) BLISS. I wish I live in a country where I can do this. I just wish.

As for now, a waterfall with no one else but me and my friends would do. I hate it when it's crowded with noisy kids running and peeing around.

This will do too. Except I don't need all the fruits.

While I was searching for these pictures I came across this guy's website, he is a pretty good painter. Love all of his work.

http://www.shafferfineart.com/The_Art_of_Vladimir_Volegov.htm

p/s: SinLing, if you're reading this, please go to a picnic for me. xxx

Prey or Predator?

2010-08-17T03:19:00.005+08:00

Ever since I was showed the shark documentary in Perhentian 2 months back, everytime I hear people say sharks are dangerous and that you should kill them before they kill you, I feel like punching them in their faces. But I can't really blame people for thinking that because movies like Jaw thought us to think that way. In that documentary, I learned that sharks are pretty harmless and that they will not attack you if unprovoked. They're nothing like what we see in the movies. They do not attack you just because they feel like it. They are in fact more afraid of you than you are of them.

"Shark incidents," according to California marine biologist Dr. Robert Lea, are not cases of sharks preying on humans. "It is just humans sharing a spot in the ocean with sharks — at the wrong time."

It saddens me to see what the human race would do to the sharks just to get their fins and then throw them back into the sea for them to die. We know that sharks are about to extinct and all but what a lot of us do not know is that many sharks are killed everyday all around the world and sharks control a big part of the ocean's ecosystem. Life on land is very much affected by the life in the ocean when 70% of the earth is made up of the sea. Imagine what would happen to us if the ecosystem in the ocean is destroyed.

I tried searching for that documentary so I can put it up here but I can't because you have to buy it to view it. But anyhow, this is the website http://savingsharks.com/ for it. On your way browsing, please do click to pledge to the save sharks. Sharkfins' soup is really not that yummy to begin with, you can live without it. It doesn't make you any richer or prettier, or slimmer or whatever after eating it. It will all end up down your toilet bowl the next day. There goes a shark's live. Can't you eat something that is not about to extinct? Don't you want your great-grandchildren to know what a shark is? Or maybe even have a chance to see them instead of just learning about them like how we learn about dinosaurs?

Just imagine for a second, would you like it if someone were to chop off a piece of your spine then after that leave you to bleed to death or die of whatever horrid death?

A week or two after I got back from Perhentian, I went to dinner with my boyfriend's family and there, two bowls of sharksfins' soup right in front of us, one for each of us. I gave him a 'DON'T-YOU-DARE-TOUCH-THAT-BOWL-OF-SOUP' look and he pushed it away obeisantly. I was really happy he did that. So, yeah, you should do that too.

Before I end, this is just something to read and watch. Ultimate Air Jaws: The Amazing New Technology Of Shark Week

Childhood Sweetheart

2010-08-10T21:15:00.007+08:00

I was just browsing through Facebook earlier on (like I always do) and I stumbled upon this couple I used to know (more like acquaintances) back when I was 13. These two were already together even before I knew them and they are still together. It has been 9 years (or more) and I must say, I'm really impressed. It is amazing how two people can stay together for so long especially when they got together at a young age. They were only 15 or 16 (maybe younger, I don't know) when they got together. I really wonder if they will end up married or have grandchildren together.

I've always thought that marrying your first boyfriend/girlfriend is a waste of your life especially when you got together with that person before you finish high school because you're barely out in the world where you get to meet so many different people. Millions of men and women are created in this world, each and everyone of them different. Who knows who would suit you best if you stayed only with one? By saying that I didn't mean that people have to get together with as many people as they can before settling just for the sake of it.

I believe that when you've met your soulmate/'the one' you'll know it just like how two correct pieces of puzzle fit perfectly. Maybe those childhood sweethearts found theirs when they're 15? I don't know. But this, at the same time also makes me think, did they hang on to each other for so long just because they've been together since forever that they got so lazy or afraid to step out from their comfort zone or do they really still love each other?

Getting married and having kids have definitely crossed my mind especially when I'm starting to see people settle. But the other part of me thinks that I will never make it to old age with the same husband I married 30 years ago. I tend to get bored after some point in a relationship. Maybe I will not even get married.. I don't know. I don't know how old couples in their 60s and 70s can still love their partner like they have 40/50 years ago. It always warms my heart to see these old couples holding hands and still looking and smiling at each other like they mean it.

Perhaps one day I'll find out.

You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit 'em

Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to get 'em

Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at them

- Eminem

2010-07-10T21:48:00.004+08:00

As sick as Eminem and Rihanna's new track's lyrics may sound, I have to say I liked it the second I heard it. I feel like I could understand what she's singing. I've liked Eminem since forever, I simply cannot explain what is so appealing about him. But all I know is that I love how twisted, sick and troubled he appears to be. Takes a psycho to love another, I guess.

Eminem Ft. Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie with Lyrics - Click here for more free videos

Closer

2010-07-07T02:09:00.004+08:00

I remember for every semester that went by, I would write it down here in the blog. But after awhile, I lost count. And now, I have one last semester left (after I'm done with with this semester, which is close to 10 days) and I'm done with college. I've checked on my postgraduate program online a million times, and after every single time I checked on it, I feel a tad closer to it. Everything looks pretty promising to me now, I've looked through all the subjects that I will take and I like them all. Though I don't know why I keep checking on the entry requirement. I fear that all this anticipation would be killed off if I'm not qualified to get in to the university.

It feels like I've been studying all my life, but believe it or not, I kinda do like it. At least I don't have to worry about having to rigidly wake up every morning for work, I don't have to worry about not having money to buy food, don't have to worry about all the responsibilities that I have to bear when I'm a working person, I can miss morning classes whenever I feel like I don't want to wake up without having to crack my head coming up with an excuse for my boss and the best part is, when you're studying, classes are not on everyday!

The only problem now is, the course only starts October next year, meaning I have 10 whole months with nothing to do. I want to travel. I want to go to America, that's for sure. Europe can wait, I'd love to go to Mexico and Brazil too. The thing is, if my father or myself is a millionaire, you can be sure I'd be on the first flight out of the country. If I want to travel, I need to have the money. Money, money, money. If I had money, I would have had my nose and boob job done too.

Right now, all these 'wants' seem so far away and so unreachable. I just can't wait until I see Miami with my own eyes! I should really start saving all my money up. Maybe once I get myself an air ticket to somewhere, I can finally start going places instead of just dreaming. Wait for me, Miami!

Blue

2010-06-19T17:39:00.008+08:00

My trip with the girls early this month was a pretty good one. Good to be at the beach for awhile, just being in the water and seeing those creatures underwater can somehow be calming. From having curious little fish surrounding me and swimming next to the sea turtle and seeing it up close is just beautiful. It feels kinda surreal now. I can't believe I actually went there and am back now. If I can save enough money by end of July, I'm going to another trip for sure, and I really don't mind going alone.

Thank you God for the sunny days, it made the ocean, the sand, the sky look amazingly gorgeous.

Beautiful isn't it? I miss waking up to this.

One of the very few group shots we have.

Love

Out to dinner. Rose's birthday dinner #1

2010-06-16T20:39:00.003+08:00

As I was watching Dear John for the third time, the scene where the World Trade Centre came crumbling down reminds me of this vivid memory I had the day I saw that news with my very own eyes 9 years back. I was in ZhuHann's house, supposedly studying for my form one finals with a bunch of other people. CNN was turned at that time in his TV room, and I saw that exact image I saw in the movie. I actually remembered not thinking much about it. I just brushed it off because I didn't know at that time it was a terrorist attack, that a building that tall was falling down, that it would affect so many people's lives and that it would cause so much pain in people even up to this day. Only after I went home I realise how big a news it really was.

So anyway, that's just a thought I had. I don't know about other people, but everytime I drive, I seem to drift away in my thoughts. I basically just drive without thinking about driving, it's like I space out in my own thoughts or something, but somehow I still get to where I want to go. I do that everyday and that makes me wonder if it's only me or does everyone do it? Is it actually dangerous?

So today when I was driving back from class, passing the security guard house, this thought about how people are so judgemental came into my mind. You know how when you drive a nice car, they tend to wave and smile at you when you drive through, but when you drive a lousy car, they merely just look at you, some don't even look at you. I get that all the time. Whenever I drive my parent's car, everyone seem to be extra nice, but when I'm driving my car, nobody seemed to care. It is also always the ugly that gets stopped. Nobody stops the nice car and suspect that there are probably robbers in there. It somehow amazes me every single time I see this happen.

Sometimes little things like that make me think so much.

I'm Leaving... On the Bussss

2010-06-01T14:44:00.002+08:00

Wow, almost half of 2010 has already gone by and I'll be leaving to the beach tomorrow night already. Can you believe it? Zingi just sent me a long ass SMS telling me where to go to look for our bus, where to board it yada yada. How sweet of her. Maybe cos she knows Rose + Sara = Hopeless. The sun doesn't seem to be shining really brightly here though. I hope it's scorching hot in Sunny Island.

I'm now forcing myself to work on my assignment. I don't want to go on a holiday with my mind full of assignment and heart full of worry.

Shit

2010-05-28T01:36:00.002+08:00

I couldn't feel more shitty right now. Fell sick out of no where. I just recovered like a week ago after weeks of being sick, and now i'm sick again! This time fever came along. My bones ache, feels as though I have arthritis or some sort. I feel the period torture coming already. One thing good is my laptop is back, and I actually feel unusual getting to access Facebook through it because for the past 2 months or so, all my laptop could do was go on Skype and MSN. Thesis proposal was all done, nothing was done by me this time. I felt awful that my partner had to do everything. He was the one who registered me for thesis, the one who went to meetings with the supervisor, the one who stayed up the entire night to finish the whole paper on his own, and the one who had all the questions to ask the supervisor when we were seeking consultation from him. When we were at the meeting today, I felt like I was a piece of crap because he had all the intelligent questions to ask the lecturer while all I did was ask stupid questions and shut up the whole other time. I don't understand what's going on with me. I've been getting really lazy lately, and it gets worse this semester when I have so much to do. Sigh. I feel as though my life is in a mess right now. And, guess what? I'm inhaling the smell of burnt rubbish (or whatever it is they're burning). It is making me feel even crappier. Last semester's results are out. I think I did okay. Hopefully I get more A's and B+'s this time around so I can pull my Honour's class higher.

Work is starting to get boring. Going back to the same table I go to every week. I just get so lazy to go over to new tables and start the whole conversation all over again. I already know how the conversation would turn out to be. I've thought of stopping but at the same time I ask myself why so stupid? It's free money anyway. I don't even work when I go to work. So maybe I'll stick around for a few more months. Perhaps until my birthday, then I'll stop.

May 2010

2010-05-24T20:15:00.003+08:00

A week before May ends, and this is only my second post. 10 days before I finally leave for my long awaited beach trip, this time around with the girls. It's been so long. Until that week finally comes, I'm going to be busy as hell, working on my thesis and all the bloody assignments. Can't wait to get my tan, and wear my straw hats! Of all the things that I've posted in my previous post, I'm missing the monokini and white flower hair piece. Woooooo can't wait can't wait! :D

Here are really back dated videos of Steve Aoki's gig on the 1st of May.

His famous champagne spray.

Satisfaction

Pursuit of Happiness (Vocals by Zingi ;D)

Here's a pretty nice song. Not by Steve Aoki.

I So Want These Now

2010-05-04T00:27:00.003+08:00

1. Black floppy straw hat

2. White flower hair piece

3. six inches tall black pumps

4. White shades

5. Black monokini

6. Black maxi dress

I have to lose a lot of weight so that I can fit into those things I'm going to hunt for tomorrow (regardless of whether or not I can fit or look good in it. I must have!) by end of this month for the beach trip. Then, I want to look like a tai-tai wearing those in clubs too! Exchange the floppy hat with flower hair piece and flops with heels; and I'm good to go! Hopefully I find all of these tomorrow!

Jerk or What?

2010-04-30T12:02:00.003+08:00

I cannot believe just how much of a bastard someone can be. Last month or so, I went to Hennessy Artistry and met this guy who is sort of a local celebrity. Pretty good looking I would say. So, when I got pretty tipsy, I went over and asked for a picture, got his name and chat a little. A few days back, I saw his face at the corner of my facebook page in the suggestion box, so I added him. When he approved, and sent me a message 'hey sexy', I was ecstatic. But not for very long. This was how the conversation went.

I'm just going to reveal his initials here. Just in case, in a trillion chances, he or people he knows stumble across my blog.

cc : hey sexy ;)

me : hey there, i met you in hennessy artistry, remember?

cc : yep i certainly do :) let's meet soon hey. i want you naughty cat xxx

At that point, I was like, er.. okayyy.. naughty cat??! But I still went on and replied him.

me : meet up, alright. but the naughty cat part, maybe not ;)

cc : shame.. maybe i will be busy then... ;) x

When I saw that I was like WOT THE FOK (ala Alex's style)! Seriously, WHAT in the world are in these people's head??! And, he must have done that a million times to random girls on Facebook. I mean, some people in Malaysia know him, he's sort of a 'public figure' since he's appeared on TV before and always hanging out with the local celebs, and going to all the celebrity party and so on. Has it ever occur to him that I might know his friends, or even family, and that I might even tell them what a jerk he is?

Seriously, I have nothing to say.

Malaysia? What's That?

2010-04-26T10:39:00.004+08:00

When I was on my way to college this morning, I heard on the radio about what Kelly Clarkson tweeted on her Twitter page. Apparently she was really surprised to find Coffee Bean in Malaysia. This was what she tweeted 'No one told me there was a Coffee Bean here?! I love you Malaysia!!!!' along with this picture http://twitpic.com/1hrps0. (She is indeed fat!)

The radio announcer took offence to what Kelly Clarkson tweeted and, started telling stories about how all these angmohs still think that we live in trees. Someone actually asked me this exact question years back. My first reaction when I was asked that was 'WHAT?! You must be kidding me!" Although I am not very much in love with Malaysia, but having someone think so badly about the country I grew up in kinda pisses me off. Just 2 nights ago, I had a chat with this guy from UK. Like many other people, he didn't know where Malaysia is. I had to tell him that we're between Thailand and Singapore (everyone knows where Thailand, Singapore, Vietnam, Cambodia, China, Korea, Japan are. All these places but Malaysia. Funny isn't it?). Then, he started asking me about the lifestyle here, food, people, politics, weather, means of transportation bla bla bla.. When I told him that we have Monorail here, the reply I got from him was 'wow'. I mean, seriously, WTF?! At that moment, I got agitated and told him that if he knows any better, one of the world's tallest building is right here in KL.

At first, I can't believe how highly these angmohs think of themselves, and how ignorant they are. I mean, they think that we live in trees (good thing they didn't say caves) and they're so surprised that we can speak English (mind you, I think some of us here speak better English than you whites!), and the list goes on. God knows what else these people think of us.

Then, on second thought, I can't really blame them. After all, what have Malaysia done to help the world? We're too occupied with helping the Muslims in this country, aren't we? Maybe in the next 50 years to come, people will start knowing where and what Malaysia is.

They Will Never Understand

2010-04-26T01:33:00.003+08:00

In the midst of studying for my exam, I came across this on Facebook. And I just had to post it up here.

Pura Vida

2010-04-23T15:02:00.002+08:00

I have wanted for a very long time, to know what my future looks like. I want to know who my husband is, how he looks like, how many kids will I have, will they be cute, will I be rich, what kind of job will I have, where will I be, will I be happy, when will I die, how will I die etc. As much as I'd like to know about all these, I have never been to a fortune teller, palm/face reader or any of that sort where all of my friends have. I don't exactly know how these things work, but whatever they tell my friends, a lot of them are true. And it amazes me up to this day how this whole 'see your future' thing works.

The closest I have been to having my future told to me is by Clause, this guy I met at work. He's sort of like a psychic. I do believe in psychics because I've watched on the crime investigation channel where they actually helped the FBI catch the bad guys and stuff, and I do believe that some people are given this gift to see. Just like how some people can see the dead. But, I really cannot tell you how real he is because sometimes there are just really smart people who are able to pick up your body language or any language at all that you've left and then take those little clues that you've left behind unnoticed, and tell you things about yourself. This world is never certain. Just about anything can happen. However, as much as I'm in doubt, I believed in almost every word he said. Regardless of whether it's about me or about other people because a lot, and I mean A LOT of what he said is true.

Put that aside, the real question is what if I really get to know what is going to happen in my life? What if I really know when and how will I die? Will I do anything about it at all? What will I do, and what can I do, really? Will there ever be any thrill in life anymore? If I was told that something bad would happen, I would be shit worried. Will there ever be any meaning in life at all?

I Cannot Wait.

2010-04-21T01:25:00.002+08:00

One thing I hate the most is waiting. So naturally, people who cannot be punctual = pet peeve. When I first started seeing Patrick, he would make me wait forever for him, I got so pissed I walked out twice. Then, he would tell me that patience is virtue. This, to me is not about being patient or not. If you ask me to wait half an hour, I will be patient and wait half an hour, no complains. But if I was told to wait for only 15minutes, but ending up waiting for half an hour (or more), now that is not when patience is involved. I mentioned that my pet peeve is people who can't be punctual. What's worse is people who can't be punctual PLUS their inability to let me know that they will be late. Is is so freaking hard to just pick up the phone to inform me? I think people like these are being purely ignorant, I can't stand shit like this.

I had this issue with my ex boyfriend where he'll keep me waiting and waiting and waiting all day long for him. We would make plans the day before, and he would tell me on that morning itself that he has something else to do before meeting me. Fine, I'm willing to wait. But the thing is, he would not be able to tell me how long it would take to finish his business. So, i'd have to wait like the biggest dumbass for him and when I finally lose it, he'd get mad at me for being mad at him. This always happens and it always ends the same way. It always leaves me pissed mad. Just imagine, my entire day gone just like that.

I just can't seem to understand why people are like that. Pisses the shit out of me.

Foolish Heart, Silly Brain

2010-04-14T00:13:00.003+08:00

He's still haunting me. Never letting me go. Maybe I am not so cold-hearted after all.

I have been a tad too busy for myself to handle for the past few weeks. All I am feeling is lost and confusion, still waiting for the wave to bring me to shore that I can't see from where I am now. A lot went through my head these past few weeks. So much that I am having a hard time trying to write all of them down. These feelings that I am feeling, I don't even know what are they, and it frustrates the hell out of me. Lost is just the perfect word.

Few nights ago, I had this dream about Sam dying in Bangkok, and I have no idea why it devastates me so much up until today when I think of that dream, my heart feels like it has fallen off to the ground. I woke up that morning feeling like shit. As if someone close to me died. Not that I have experienced anyone close to me dying before (except for one, but that doesn't really count) but I imagine it would feel like that.

A week or two ago, I made up my mind about really letting my Masters go. But a week after, I can't help but let what someone I met at work tell me affect me. I feel stupid as I write this down. I can't help but want to believe in him, in what he said. I just wish one thing he said will come true, just one will do. The part about me leaving.

By the way, I've gotten my Pura Vida, dove, star and mommy's dod done. One last one to go, then I'll stop for good. I think. It feels so good to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to. So seriously, controlling boyfriends can fuck off. Far far away.

****

Interesting, yet crazy. Not judging, but.. whatever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS_VQrVLmTs

-

2010-04-07T11:36:00.002+08:00

I have been longing to blog for the longest time. I just felt like I have so much to spill, but just when I finally get my Internet back, I can't remember all the things that I wanted to blog about so much.

:D

2010-03-13T15:23:00.004+08:00

I'm so excited for myself. Two weeks ago, Patrick asked me over to record my voice for his tracks. I thought I would never get to hear it because I honestly think that I sounded like shit. No joke. I cringe everytime I listen to myself. Especially when he asked me to listen to myself right after the recording. Goosebumps all over. But it gets better every time I listen to it. Can't wait to hear it in the club, so I can actually shout out loud saying that it is my voice that everyone is listening to and downloading! Teehee. And PikSan, you said he was trying to make me happy where in actual he doesn't really want my voice, didn't you? You owe me Starbucks for that.

Like I've said before in Twitter, I really believe that we can get everything that we want, it is just the matter of how badly we want it. I especially hate it when people tell me I can't get or do what I want to. The look of their faces when they finally see me get it is just priceless.

Here's the link. Enjoy the music :)

http://soundcloud.com/patrick-oliver/patrick-oliver-feb-house-mix-2010

Rich People in The World

2010-03-11T13:45:00.003+08:00

I have always loved looking at all these. So fascinating, don't you think? How these people can actually be SO BLOODY rich!

World's 20 richest people

NEW YORK - THE top 10 richest people in the world have a combined worth of US$342 billion (S$478 billion) in 2010, up from US$254 billion a year ago. Here are the 20 wealthiest, as announced Wednesday by Forbes magazine in its annual list of the world's billionaires:

1. Carlos Slim Helu and family. Mexico. Telecoms. US$53.5 billion (S$74.8 billion).

2. Bill Gates. US. Microsoft. US$53 billion.

3. Warren Buffett. US. Berkshire Hathaway. US$47 billion.

4. Mukesh Ambani. India. Oil, gas. US$29 billion.

5. Lakshmi Mittal. India. Steel. US$28.7 billion.

6. Lawrence Ellison. US. Oracle. US$28 billion.

7. Bernard Arnault. France. LVMH luxury goods. US$27.5 billion.

8. Eike Batista. Brazil. Mining, oil. US$27 billion.

9. Amancio Ortega. Spain. Clothing retail. US$25 billion.

10. Karl Albrecht. Germany. Supermarkets. US$23.5 billion.

11. Ingvar Kamprad and family. Sweden. Ikea. US$23 billion.

12. Christy Walton and family. US. Walmart. US$22.5 billion.

13. Stefan Persson. Sweden. Hennes and Mauritz. US$22.4 billion.

14. Li Ka Shing. Hong Kong. Diversified. US$21 billion.

15. Jim Walton. US. Walmart. US$20.7 billion.

16. Alice Walton. US. Walmart. US$20.6 billion.

17. Liliane Bettencourt. France. L'Oreal. US$20 billion.

18. S. Robson Walton. Walmart. US$19.8 billion.

19. Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud. Saudi Arabia. Investments. US$19.4 billion.

20. David Thomson and family. Canada. Inheritance. US$19 billion.

More interesting facts!

NEW YORK - THE following are some highlights of this year's list of the world's richest people published by the Forbes Magazine here on Wednesday. The net worth was calculated as of the market closing of Feb 12.

* Total net worth of 2010 list: US$3.6 trillion (S$5.04 trillion), up from US$2.4 trillion in 2009

* Total billionaires: 1,011, up from 793 in 2009

* New in list: 97, representing 22 countries

* Returnees: 164

* Top three:

- Carlos Slim Helu jumps from number three to number one. It's the first time since 1994 that a non-American billionaire has occupied the top spot.

- Bill Gates drops from number one to number two, and Warren

- Buffett drops from the second to the third.

Collectively, these three members of the Forbes list have gained US$41.5 billion over the past year. During the financial crisis from 2008 to 2009, these three had lost a collective US$68 billion.

* Cities with most billionaires: New York City, with 60, followed by Moscow with 50 and London with 32.

* Youngest billionaire: Mark Zuckerberg, 25-year-old founder of the popular social networking site Facebook, ranks 212th with a net worth of US$4 billion.

* Oldest billionaire: Switzerland's Walter Haefner is 99 and has a net worth of US$3.3 billion, ranking 287th.

* Biggest gainer: Eike Batista, Brazilian mining and oil titan, not only cracked the top ten for the first time, but also became the biggest gainer with his net worth up US$19.5 billion since last year.

* Richest person in the Chinese mainland: Zong Qinghou, Chinese entrepreneur, founder, chairman and CEO of the Hangzhou Wahaha Group, ranks 103rd with US$7.0 billion earned from beverage business.

* Richest person in Hong Kong: Li Ka Shing ranks 14th with a net worth of US$4.8 billion. He is also the most generous person in Asia, says Forbes, as he has doled out US$1.4 billion to education and medical research.

* Richest person in Taiwan: Terry Tai Ming Gou, founder of one of the world's largest electronics manufacturing service company Hon Hai, ranks 136th with US$5.5 billion.

Insane Weather

2010-03-08T16:25:00.005+08:00

The weather these days are getting increasingly crazy. As I am typing this, sweat is dripping down from my neck. I do not even have to move a single muscle, I can just sit here and sweat away. Just last weekend, when I woke up from my afternoon nap, my bed was actually wet as if I pee-ed in my sleep. This burning hot weather has been going on for a month now. I hope it stops soon otherwise no deodorant nor perfume can rescue me from BO caused by this constant sweating. I no longer need to use my comforter when I sleep at night, unlike before when it's about 3am, its actually freezing cold even without the air-cond turned on. Oh great. It is now raining. Sometimes, these rains make things worse. It rains for 5 to 10 minutes, then stops, and it feels worse than hell. Hot and humid. I hope the rain lasts till night. Cool the earth a little.

Right, I'm gonna try going back to sleep now.

First Valentine

2010-03-03T21:47:00.009+08:00

So, a new month has come and SinLing will be back end of this month (or so she claims). I hope it's really really real this time darling because the last time you said you were coming back, you got me so excited. Planning what to wear for Steve Aoki on Christmas and all. So anyways, it was Valentine's last month. Since everyone blogged about their Valentine's Day or Valentine, let me tell you a little about mine.

I have just come to realise that I have not celebrated Valentine's day in my life too. Not that I can remember of, at least. I remember when I was with my first serious boyfriend, I was in Koh Samui during one of the Valentine's Day, and the other, I honestly can't remember what I did. Most probably nothing special, otherwise I would have remembered. As for the second guy, it was Chinese New Year as well, just like this year when it was Valentine's Day. So naturally, he's back in his hometown, across the sea.

So this year, I thought I was going to spend Valentine's with my girlfriends or my family (since its the first night of CNY), but no. I have to say I had a pretty pleasant Valentine's Day this year. Got to eat some nice food and got wishes from that someone I wish would wish me :)

The guy who took me out for dinner is someone whom I never thought would spend this day with me. I told him that we have technically known each other for 10 years (9 actually, but a decade sounds longer, hehe) but have never spoken to each other all through the years and all of a sudden now, ending up going on dates. It is not a secret the fact that I used to think that he was pretty cute when we were younger, I would say one of the few good looking ones back in school. I think everyone else thought so too, but he's changed slightly now hehe. Let's just put this way, I still prefer the image I had of him when we were younger.

So that night, I wore my Cotton On dress which I absolutely love with the sorta new Aldo pumps I bought and I think I looked pretty good cos I haven't been eating (or rather not much) two days before CNY. He brought me to this Japanese restaurant in Tropicana Clubhouse. The ambiance was okay, but the food was great, not to mention pretty damn expensive too. I was supposed to get flowers too but apparently the florist was closed because it's CNY :( Other than that, nothing interesting happened. I didn't even get a picture. After dinner, we headed home for a movie.. and basically there goes my first ever celebrated Valentine's. A very innocent date, I would say and I enjoyed it. It is not like he'll ever read this, but thank you Ricky :)

And now, about the text I got. Remember I wrote something about this DJ who already has a girlfriend awhile ago? Long story cut short, turns out that he didn't have a girlfriend. It was all in my paranoid head. And I would say that we are on pretty good terms now. Trying not to push for more. Trying to be happy with what I am getting for now. So this is my 'love' (single but.. yeah) life at the moment. It feels funny writing all these, but I thought hey, I haven't written a blogpost worth reading in a long time now. And it's my blog after all. I just feel like writing all these down now. So, there you go :)

p/s : SinLing, I hope this time is for real cos I wanna party hard with you when you're back!! xxxx

Busy Busy

2010-02-24T12:38:00.005+08:00

It felt like its like a gazillion years ago when I last updated. I almost forgot about the existence of my blog. So much has happened. But this time nothing unwanted. Basically everything just got better from the last time I blogged.

Chinese New Year was nothing but a annual routine to me. We have holidays, head to Malacca for a day or two, visit the same people, collect some Angpaus, dinner and that is it. Now that all that is over (not that CNY is over) everything is back to normal. Classes as usual and it is really getting on my nerves. I just got to find out that I'm having my midterms tomorrow already. I still feel like it's my first week back in class where I can still bum. But no, I have to start working like a dog already.

Speaking of work, I recently just starting working. I was so happy when I got this job, because this means I have more money for myself! It is the third week into working already. I'm not complaining though I don't quite like this job because the whole point of this job is about not having to work like work work. Geddit??

Sigh. Sometimes I feel like there is no point blogging because there are just too many things that I wanna blog about which I just can't. Things that would make this blog so much juicier, but I just can't because who knows who's reading what I am writing. Can't be bothered to lock this blog. So just forget it already. Oh well, let's talk about songs. I'm currently very into this song by Uncle Kracker - Smile. Have a listen. Somebody sing it to me? Please?

Big Smile

2010-02-07T20:47:00.003+08:00

I had a great night last night ;) Basically a great weekend for me. Ever since I have broken up, more and more things seem to be opening up for me and I have never felt any better than this. So, on Friday, Z and I met a really nice guy while we were out for lunch/dinner at Cineleisure and to cut the story short, he told us about ClubMed and his experience there. I was convinced right there and then that I am going to do that after I finish my studies end of this year. I am really excited about this, and I believe I have never in my life been so sure of what I want to do. Even as I type this, my head is full of air and I don't even know what exactly I'm trying to say. To top that off, the guy we met offered me a job at his restaurant/pub too. Now, how can I say no to money, especially after splurging on the pair of nude Aldo pumps I've been eyeing on. Absolutely love it, it's super gorgeous!! And also not to mention the extra return flight ticket from Bangkok that I have to pay Pat back.

So, my parents and I went grocery shopping this evening and they asked about plans after I graduate. I told them that as much as I'd love to continue studying (I really love and am sincerely interested in what I intended to study by the way), I'm not going to further my studies in the UK anymore because I am really sick of studying. Maybe I will do that in the future who knows, but definitely not next year. And I also told them about my ClubMed plans, and they seemed pretty acceptive of my plans and decisions, so that makes me an even happier girl. Well, basically it's a really good weekend for me. I look forward to next week because there will be holiday again. Excited!

*Congrats to Z for scoring a job in BMW. I look forward to the glamorous days with you!! I am so happy for you babes. As if I'm hired myself, pfft.

A Whole New Perspective

2010-01-29T16:19:00.004+08:00

Right, I'm just going to write a short post here before I go take a shower and meet up with Z.

It is already the end of January now. In 2 weeks, it'll be Chinese New Year, and before I know, assignments will all be due already. But the thing is, I am still not budging. I feel as though I still have time to start whatever that I need to start doing slowly. So, I'm really taking my time here, which is something I really shouldn't be doing. I will be doing my thesis next semester, which means I have to get started now already. I cannot afford to wait for the rest of them. I mean, why sacrify my own time to wait for the others? I want to graduate and get over and done with my degree as soon as I can. I have plans in my head already. I just can't wait to embark on the journey I have already planned out in my head. It might not be easy, but I am willing to try.

It is so weird that ever since I came back from Bangkok, I feel like a different person. It gives me a new found motivation to want to finish my studies sooner. Sigh, I just wish my dad would agree to my plans for my future. I have not told him about it yet, I'm afraid he'll freak, but soon I will.

As for my relationship with other people now, I really am tired. Maybe it is just me. But my instincts tell me to put my guards up, especially after that incident. I feel like I can never open up anymore. I just hope that time will heal. Believe it or not, there is only one person who could understand me like how I understand myself. And she was right, I don't need to have a boyfriend all the time, just a good friend will do.

By the way, SinLing has put her blog up in public! I am too shy to do that. I am afraid that people will mock me for the stuff that I write about. Lol. I'm afraid I can't be like XiaXue braving all the criticisms. But maybe I will put it up sometime, but not anytime soon.

p/s : Joey G's girlfriend is super gorgeous! I messaged her and told her that, and she replied. Happy die. Hehehe. Celebs in Malaysia should be like her because some of them are just too cocky and they behave as if they're Megan Fox or something when in reality, no one knows them once they step out of Malaysia.

Bangkok Rocked

2010-01-26T02:06:00.003+08:00

I just got home from Bangkok this morning. Was supposed to land yesterday, but Pat and I missed our flight. Don't want to talk about it now, but I'm glad I got to stay another night. I had so much fun in Bangkok. Meeting SinLing for the first time in more than six month feels so surreal. I mean, I have been talking to her online, but to finally meet her is like finally getting to meet my penpal. Lol. And when I got home from the airport today, I felt like I could just walk down the hall and go have lunch with her downstairs. Frankly, I paid 2 nights for the hotel, but I was at SinLing's apartment the entire trip, so it almost felt like home to me. I know, it sounds so silly, only been there 3 days and I'm already calling it home. I really loved it there, and I can definitely see myself staying there for awhile. I just feel so free and nice there. She really got me thinking about moving out of the country. I have thought about it before, but never really paid much attention to it. Well, we'll see how things go. It's my life, and I just have to do things my own way. Anyway, I'll talk more about my trip when I am really bored and have nothing to do.

I am so hungry now, even though I have just swallowed a bowl of rice just 5 minutes ago. I miss the taste of the fried chicken SinLing and I made some guy buy us. It was so random. This is just what I love, it's really fun to do that once in awhile. Awh, I shouldn't get started on talking about food. Now I'm missing the dog-pee-smell spicy soup omelette too. Mmmm yumm. Right, I have class in 6 hours and I've got to go now. I wish I had more time to sleep. I'm sure I'm pretty exhausted now. Good night all. x

Drunk/Sleepy Posting

2010-01-17T05:30:00.002+08:00

Because Rosalynm said we should try drunk/sleeping poeting, I'm going to try this. I believe I am quite gone already, but I'm still going to sttempt to post a blog without thrying to delte any mistakes I made. I bwt this is goint to be fun to read in the morning. If i am spber enoghu, I would post up pictures of us tonight. But i really can't be bothered to go get my cable and transfer the pictures over.

I can't believe myself. Just 5 cans of beer and I'm gone. Driving home from centrepoint was kinda scary. So really people, do not drink and drive. It sis true what they say about drunk driving. SDon't worry, there wont be another time. I am scared for my own life too. SO actually, good night. Love you all. Patoli, maybe you can just go die. Kthbcye.

How My New Year Started

2010-01-16T03:46:00.009+08:00

I think we all got sick of looking at our New Years Eve/Zingi's birthday celebration already. Well, at least I did cos most of the pictures are of me. I know, shameless, attention seeking whore, whatever you want to call me, I can't help but run to wherever the camera is pointing at. Stop hating. Speaking of which, let me tell you my new year's resolution :- to not put too much thought into what other people think about me. Judge me all you like, say all the things you want about me, demean me, I will learn not too care about it and eventually ignore it because it does no good to my soul. I will do what I like and what I want however way I like and want it. Though some of it might not be the smartest choices, but I will learn in due time. So let me be. You are no Dalai Lama, so just shut up and fix your own flaws.

So anyways, back to the celebration. I had a blast. Reached the top and came back down very quickly. Thank God, or else I will turn into another Yumi. Here are the pictures. Can you believe it is already the third week into the new year?

The gorgeous birthday girl.

Her cake, made by Michelle. Absolutely yummy.

Z and I having fun in the pool

Then its me alone ;)

The youngest girls in the house.

Almost all of the attendees.

****

The next night

Dinner at delicious

I look like crap here, but heck

The after party @ 21, Changkat.

Dj Sara and Dj Z in the house

****

Next post will be some pictures of Bali. x

Happy

2010-01-11T02:29:00.002+08:00

I am going to class at 12pm. First class of the semester. And my body is secreting lots and lots of melatonin ever since 8pm. I am feeling the Monday blues (or rather Sunday blues) all over again. Time has passed so quickly that I didn't realise it. It is already the 11th of January now. Us celebrating Zingi's birthday on the 31st seemed like it was just yesterday. Can't believe that I have gone to Bali and came back already. Now I can't wait for Bangkok in 2 weeks time. Can't wait to shop, can't wait to party with SinLing. Just wish I could stay longer.

I am officially single now. And I'm happy about it. I feel so free now and I hope I stay this way a bit longer this time. It still hasn't really sunk it yet though. But just to know that I am finally free to do things that I like makes me happy. Right, Ima go wash up and sleep now. Eyelids are drooping already. Good night all. Before that, I'd like to wish Pat a very happy birthday.

Happy birthday Pat. Not going to bongkarkan your age here. Remember to say thank you to me. I think I remember writing a blog post about your birthday last year asking you to hurry up and find yourself a husband so that you can have your kids already. Not making any progress leh you... Stop looking at your student's father lah. Lol. I hope you find your someone this time around ;) Cannot wait to get AngPau from you. Hehehe.

Stay Away From Me

2010-01-08T18:34:00.002+08:00

I'm home, safe and sound from Bali.

The trip was okay, nothing too fantastic about it. Beaches are not clean, but TONS of eye-candy. 95 percent of them are either buffed, or good looking or BOTH. The remaining 5percent are either too young/old/fat. Lots of things to buy there at a glance, but if you really look, they all sell the same stuff. Basically nothing very special about Bali. Everything I see in the pictures I got to see it with my own eyes, that's all.

Class is starting on Monday. And I came home feeling so sick of this place and the people here. Way to go.

May 2010 Be a Good Year

2010-01-02T13:59:00.003+08:00

Christmas came and gone. New Years Eve has also came and gone. Time is flying so fast I didn't even have time to write the last entry for 2009. God (ok, I'm not too sure if it's God, maybe it's fate) has definitely given me something to end 2009 in a nice way and I'm happy it happened though it is something very wrong to do. Sigh, anyways, I will be leaving to Bali tomorrow and a few days before, my dad called me up from work to ask me to check the news of Bali being a terrorist attack spot on NYE. I was kinda freaked out and started imagining the poor me, dancing to the music in the club and out of a sudden, was hit by a bomb and died feeling the explosives burn on my skin and face. So I thought of cancelling the trip but I figured, maybe I should wait a few days and see if there's any news or what so ever. Nada. I see everyone tweeting saying that they had a blast on NYE in Bali and all, put my heart at ease a little. But I'm still worried, say, what if the terrorists decided that they should postpone their bombing and what if I was at the wrong place in the wrong time? If you ask me, I wouldn't want to die so young. I have not seen enough, but if God wants me to die now, I would have to.

I have so much in my head actually. Dying is really not much of a big deal compared to having to live with a scared face my entire life. I was just telling my friends that I would rather die than live. Oh well, whatever it is, I've still decided to go. So if I live to come home safely, I am forever grateful, but if I don't then this is the last of my blog entry :( So, if I die, please tell my parents that I love them and I am so grateful for everything that they've given me, and my sisters too. As for my friends, you don't need me to tell you guys that I love you. You'd already know. Maybe I should write a note to everyone of you, cos it's pathetic to write this here, if I don't die, you guys won't get to read it! ;)

Don't laugh at me. I know I sound like I'm writing my will here or something. But it won't be as funny when things go bad, but if it doesn't, well you can all laugh at me then. LOL. Yes, I have a chicken heart, I fear for the worst.

Because I don't want to end this post like I am really going to die, let me tell you a little something about my celebration of welcoming the new year. This year, we all went to Rose's poolside to have a potluck party, at the same time, celebrating Zingi's birthday. I would say it was a lot of fun and we took millions of pictures(I hogged the camera a lot, teehee), can't wait for all the pictures to be up on Facebook. We had after party in Rose's house and it only ended at 7am. Lots of booze, but none of us drank enough to get us all pissed drunk. The birthday girl was all sober. I think the last we ever had time like this was in ShuLi's house where all the drinking sessions were held. Uber fun times, and I really miss those sessions.

Last night was the first night I went to Changkat with the girls, and I absolutely love the place. Thank you Farhad for treating us to dinner and, Zingi for the booze in the club. Didn't spend a single cent last night. So that was my New Years celebration. I hope whoever who is reading this had a great time celebrating the coming of the new year and also have a fruitful year ahead!

Once again, Happy birthday to Zingi and a Happy New Year to everyone out there! xxxx

STEVE AOKI baby!

2009-12-27T02:20:00.011+08:00

This Christmas week hasn't been very good. I mean, I wasn't all hyped up and all, but Steve Aoki last night made everything better. He was so freaking good. Be the judge yourself. But wait, maybe you will not like it. I know Rose and PikSan wouldn't. But I was jumping up and down like a total maniac the whole time. I didn't care how I looked like, I just wanted to have fun. The DJs who did the warm up/opening for him were pretty good too. I was all drenched in sweat by the end of the night, even took off my heels so that I can dance better. A sick set indeed! I think I'm suffering from Steve Aoki withdrawal symptom. He will be in Bali the night I touch down in Bali, but I'm not too sure if I'm going to see him cos Hoong is really not that kinda person. Sigh.

We've got front row view, and watching him perform was so surreal. He was interacting with the crowd the entire time. Love him to death. And, the videos I'm about to show you, credits all go to Zingi, she was the camera woman of the night. Don't mind the blurry pictures, my camera is sucky. The videos are pretty good though.

The man's a star. PHENOMENAL.

Ok, this picture and the one below are not from my camera.

First song from him

Warp - Bloody Beetroots ft Steve Aoki

He was spraying champagne, pouring liquor and water into people's mouth the entire night.

I was one of the crazy screaming chick. Surprised I didn't wake up with a sore throat.

Thank you Zingi for all these awesome videos! x

Fa La La La La

2009-12-24T13:21:00.003+08:00

Christmas is in less than 12hours. Am I excited? No. I was though. I was listening to Christmas carols and all a week before or so, but now that Christmas is so near, I don't feel a thing. Where's all the excitement and enthusiasm I felt before? Sigh. I am probably going out with Hoong to celebrate because my family dinner has been postponed to tomorrow night. Which means that hours before the Steve Aoki gig, I have to stuff myself with food. How to look good like that? It'll be stupid to not eat. Really. I am so excited to finally be able to meet Steve Aoki!

I have been trying to work out for this long awaited gig. But haha, I think we all know how much progress I've made. Oh well, at least I've gotten the tan I wanted. I haven't been so tanned in a long time. The last I was this colour, I looked like I'm a fire victim. It scares me a little to look down at my legs now because it has gone like 10 tones darker. Speaking of which, I went for a tan/swim with my sisters yesterday. Yesterday was Wednesday, a weekday. I assume that there will be no one worth my effort of putting make up on there. So I went, naked eye. But oh so lucky me, there was this really hot dude young (say 18), but still hot sitting next to my bench, and I didn't notice him until my sister, Melissa whispered to me 'hot guy hot guy' in Chinese. Of course, I didn't allow him to look at my face. This has taught me a lesson - I really have to put on make up everywhere I go, otherwise I really 'cannot see human'.

I thought I haven't been updating much these days, so here's my little entry of nothing :)

Though I'm not feeling the Christmas mood now, but I'd still like to wish everyone a

HAPPY MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy your turkey, the yummy stuffings with cranberry sauce and all the scrumptious desserts! Happy holidays! :)

Bullocks

2009-12-17T03:24:00.006+08:00

I honestly think the girls look like monkeys when they were climbing up the pole. So not sexy. And I felt like I was watching a circus.

And, that fat belly dancing chick who invited the guy to dance along, I bet she is going to cry after watching the video. I am sure she doesn't realise that she has a whole lump of wobbly stomach fats hanging out while she was doing her thang confidently, probably thinking that she looks hot. Poor girl. I hope this doesn't happen to me.

And lookie, I have another news to share. This woman got pregnant and gave birth without realising that she was actually pregnant. It's already stupid enough to say that you don't know you are pregnant throughout the whole nine months of carrying a baby inside you (reminds me so much of PeiWen), not only did she not know that, she gave birth not knowing that she was giving birth too??! That's pure nonsense in my point of view.

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/12/15/Surprise-baby-survives-toilet-birth/UPI-26771260890570/

Wasn't there any physical changes that she experienced? Cravings? Nauseousness? Baby's movement in the womb? The contractions? Water bursting? Pussy tearing apart when she was giving birth?

There has got to be something! Don't you agree?

I'm feeling like a bitch today. Don't know why. Maybe because Streamyx has been a bitch to me, disconnecting 7895576 times a day.

p/s: SinLing is not coming back. No party kaki :(

p/p/s: Tiger Woods is so dead. Wouldn't want to be his wife (nor children nor parents nor himself) at this moment.

Done Done Done

2009-12-15T17:55:00.004+08:00

Yee Haw! Done with my exams and my sixth(?) semester in HELP. I cannot wait to graduate. Like seriously. Now, it's ten days before Christmas is here, which also means that I have ten more days to starve myself. I read somewhere in Google that a person can loose up to 8kg starving for 2 weeks. I know it's really unhealthy but you don't have to worry for me because knowing me, I wouldn't be able to last a day. I have never gone a day without food my entire life. How sad. This actually shows how much determination I have in me. I'm trying, still trying to lose some weight. That's what I've been trying to do my entire life. Sigh. Damn saddening right.

Anyway, I was in this cheery mood after my exams just now but the jam on the way home was terrible. I haven't been stuck in a jam this long coming back from college. Totally pissed me off. Pffft. Let's snap out of this.

I can't wait for my heels to arrive, and the clothes I ordered from SinLing (I think when they arrive, I'll have double of them. Cos I've waited so long for them to arrive I think they have reproduced while they're on the way here). I also just asked SinLing to get me gold studs so I can finally start studding my stuff. I'm thinking of studding my entire heels. Maybe I'll make a trip to Petaling Street to get some other studs. SinLing is planning to be all studded and Gaga style for Christmas. I feel so pressured because I wasn't planning on wearing anything so stylo-mylo. Gahh whatever it is, I'm still excited! I'm going to the mall on Thursday with PikSan to pick out some plain tops that I can stud, and also Alex's present. I really have to idea what to get him. The only thing going in my mind is a t-shirt. Yes, I am very uncreative. In the mean time, it also sounds really stupid that I'm getting him a t-shirt since he's staying in Bangkok, where clothes are literally everywhere. We'll see what I can find...

2 Weeks Before Christmas

2009-12-09T21:46:00.002+08:00

I'm listening to Christmas songs now. And it feels so good. Puts me into a very good mood. I love the kind of warm feeling it gives me. I don't know if it's only me or what, but it makes me feel as if I'm nicely tucked in at home, warming myself up next to the fire place, sipping hot chocolate and listening to the sounds of christmas while watching the snow fall outside my window. Of course, having a charming husband with strong chest and arms cuddle with me would make it even more perfect.

Awwhh. Such a nice feeling, innit?

Right, I got to snap back to reality just about now. I sitting for my final exams in less than 12hours. Wish me luck! I want to score in this.

The Regurgitator

2009-12-08T20:11:00.006+08:00

I saw this on Facebook and boy this is jaw dropping. Watch it!

Stevie Starr

And this is him 21 years back in 1988.

Now, is this sick or what?

Do You Believe In Magic?

2009-12-06T22:08:00.005+08:00

I was watching Astro earlier in Hoong's house, and as I was flipping through the channel, I came across AXN and some magic show was going on. I believe the title of it is Cyril Simply Magic.

If you ask me about magic, I would tell you that it is not real and really just full of bullshit. Basically just illusions and tricks played on you when you're not aware of it. But this Cyril guy was simply magical. He left me in awe. Although, I still have doubts in magic but it has no doubt left me thinking for quite a bit. What he did couldn't have been lousy tricks you see performed by magicians on stage where he cuts his hot assistant into two, but she managed to come out as perfect as she was when she went into the box, blah blah blah. You get those kinda magic. However, this Cyril guy, he did his magic on the street where everything is raw, the material, the people, everything. I still can't get over it. Perhaps it was the editing of films (that has to be it!).

Well, you've got to watch him to judge for yourself. By the way, I've seen magic performed right in front of my eyes. I couldn't believe that either. I still didn't believe that could happen up until now despite the fact that I saw it with my own eyes and actually took part in the magic itself. It is just too unbelievable. I would tell you what my trick was, but it's kinda hard to explain here.

But let me tell you a little about this trick the magician did on Yoshi and his wife.

The magician let them pick their cards. So Yoshi picked poker card A (say queen of hearts) and wifey picked poker card B ( say an ace). He signed on A, she signed on B. Then, he had the both of them hold their cards in their palms and closed both their hands together, did his hocus-pocus and ta-dah the 2 cards became one. With Yoshi's signature on one side, and wifey's signature at the back of his. Now, how magical is that? Kinda hard for me to believe that actually happened, but it really did! How? I really don't know. Can't figure out the logic of it!

So Long, November 2009

2009-11-30T18:19:00.006+08:00

It's already the last day of November. Today is mommy's 20th year of passing. And tomorrow is KwaiYing's 21st birthday. She'll be on a flight home in a few hours, leaving Melbourne for good.

Last weekend was a long and boring one, but on a happier note, I finally got inked after so long. This one is at the side of my right rib-cage. I've already got another inspiration coming but I'm only lacking of money now. I reckon I should work off my holiday so that I can get it done. Here's my latest addition seconds after it's done.

I'm thinking of adding some black ink on it cos I think it looks too much like a water colour painting now. Looks a little Indian to me somehow.

****

I've been watching a lot of serial killer biographies on YouTube and I find a handful of them pretty hot. I'm gonna show you my few favourites, but these pictures don't do them justice. They look very much nicer in videos, in moving motion.

Jeffrey Dahmer, my favourite. It's pretty sad that he got killed by an inmate because he was a homosexual serial killer.

Richard Ramirez. He actually has girls screaming for him in the courtroom during his trials and he actually married one of the girls in prison.

Ted Bundy. He's really not my kind of taste, but I reckon he's one of the better looking ones.

Albert DeSalvo.

Their looks evolve throughout the time they were caught. These are the best looking pictures I can find of them but as I said, these pictures don't do them justice. I'll have to put up videos of them to show you how charming they actually were, but it wouldn't make much sense to extract a video out of no where.

Another Week

2009-11-26T02:01:00.002+08:00

Time flies. I remembered just blogging about the weekend nearing not long ago and it's already Thursday now. Weekend starts after 2pm for me today because there will be no class tomorrow. Once again, I'm so happy that it's weekend again. We're heading over to MOS again tonight to finish up ShuLi's birthday bottle and after that I doubt we'll go there anytime soon. I am so going to miss the DJ.

SinLing and I was talking on MSN just now and again, she gave me the kind of motivation that I would need to do things that I want. I always tell her that whenever she is around, she makes me feel full and single all the time and I like that feeling very much. Not that I'm old now, but she kinda makes me feel young. Ok, maybe younger. She was my perfect clubbing mate back in Samui. Oh, I'm not going to go on raving about what fun I had in that place now. It seemed kinda loser-ish that whenever I speak about something happy, it would be about Samui, as if I have nothing else happier happened to me in life. Hehe.

Sigh. I wish for my exam to finish sooner. I cannot wait to have fun!

Mmm Hmm Good

2009-11-25T14:15:00.008+08:00

I've always had an eye for hot girls. I'm not too sure if I do this obvious enough in public, but when I do see girls who are hot enough, I tend to stare at them. I love seeing them because they are so sexy and beautiful. Sometimes I wish I was a guy, it also makes me wonder why would any guy want to turn gay when there are so many hot girls around.

This video has got to be the video with the most chiqs, or shall I say the hottest chiqs ever. These girls make me drool. I cannot stop watching it. I wish I could share it here, but David Guetta wouldn't allow it, so go on to YouTube and watch it yourself. I'm sure that 4 minutes of your life will not go to waste. I got to embed the other versions of the song though. I've recently been listening to a lot of David Guetta song and they're really good. They make perfect work out songs and the girls in his videos are usually smoking hot especially the one with Akon- Sexy Bitch. Their bodies are TO-DIE-FOR. Some might think they have too much ink on them but I loved the tattoos on them. So totally drooling right now *wipes saliva*.

*Some videos below might not be suitable for minors to watch. So scoot off if you one. I warned you ;)*

Here's my favourite one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9hazmsUxrM

And here the different versions of it

Did I get your blood pumping or what?

Hello Weekend

2009-11-20T17:58:00.002+08:00

I'm really happy that the weekend is finally here. No particular reason why, I'm just happy. Maybe because I am finally done with assignments for this semester. My finals starts on December the 10th and it's going to be over in 5 days. After that, Christmas is going to come, SinLing is coming home for New Years and then I'm off to Bali with Hoong for about a week, then two weeks later I'll be heading to Bangkok! I'm so uber thrilled! After Bangkok comes Chinese New Year and Valentines and a week after, it's going to be Hoong's birthday. Time is going to pass so fast and before I know it, we'll be on our way to Sipadan (hopefully)!! :)

***

It's been raining everyday for a week or so now and I'm loving it. It's so chilly, it makes my mood better. I do miss the sun though, but only when I go out to tan. Speaking of which, I'm getting like super fair. Why can't Malaysia have bright sunny days along with cool chilly temperature just like when I was in Australia. The weather in the day was just the way I liked it, so perfect. You can walk the entire city without perspirating but still get a tan at the same time! How lovely, innit?

I Don't Want To Be An Adult Afterall

2009-11-17T23:54:00.005+08:00

My semester is coming very close to the end and I'm really excited about it knowing that I am that much closer to graduating. Rosalyn is finally done with her degree. I'm so jealous of her. I still have one more year to go before I can finish my degree and another one more year till I can officially say bye bye to studying. I seriously hate studying and ironically, I've been doing that my entire life and still will be studying for at least another 2 good years. I'm 21 now and I've started studying ever since I was four (I think pretty much everyone can say the same). Can you imagine the amount of words I've read my entire life (it must have been billions)? I can't wait to finish studying but am so not looking forward to working life. It's not that I'm not grateful that I get to study and all, but when you've been doing it for so long, it tends to get really tiring and boring and that I guess is the reason why I am not looking forward to working life. The cycle basically repeats itself.

I actually have what I want to do with my life nicely planned out but whether or not my life will go as planned really depends on a lot of things. If given the circumstances, I wouldn't want to be stuck in a 9-5 job but often times, beggars can't be choosers and I have a feeling I'm going to be that beggar. I really want to tell you my dreams here, but I'm afraid of people laughing at me and my dream, so I guess I'd better keep it to myself for now.

I have been thinking quite a bit about the future especially these recent days. The time is flying pass and I get older each and every year. I remember when I was 12, I couldn't wait to be a teenager and when I reached 15, I wished time would fast forward and bring me to my sweet 16th birthday. By the time I am 16, I cannot wait to finish high school, to explore the world outside high school. Right after I was done with SPM, finally done with wearing uniform to school, it felt like I was entering a new world. Then I was 18, in college and in my first serious relationship. Happy that I can finally enter the cinema for 18-and-above rated movies legally. Before I know it, I'm already celebrating my 19th birthday. Feelings of bitter sweet swept past me. Bitter because in another 12 months time, I'm about to enter the 20s world sweet because I have finally reached 19, 2 more years to go before I am finally legal. Time waits for no man. 20 is already my age. Hating to accept the fact that I am already in my 20s. What happened to the slow-passing time I felt when I was so eager to grow up? Just 2 months back, I turned 21. Legal at last. Before you and I know it, 22, 23, 24, 25 are all coming to hunt me down.

Sigh. I really don't want to grow up. Now I wish I never made those wishes of wanting to grow up years back. It is so comfortable having my parents provide me with things without having me pay for it. In a few years, I am going to settle down and have kids. I can then no longer be a baby. My mother always say that although I've grown so big physically, nicely dressed up in adults' clothes and having make up painted all over my face, I am still a kid beneath all the masks. Sometimes I couldn't help but agree with her. As I grow older, the weight on my shoulder seems to grow heavier.

If you fail in school, no doubt you're gonna get a few laughs from your friends, but if you were to fail in life as an adult, you're gonna get laughs from everyone. The 5-star hotel concierge will smirk at you for not being able to afford a stay in the hotel he's working at, salesperson in the luxury goods store will mock you for going into their stores and only be able to look at their stuff and not be able to afford them. Even the car jockey treats you and your car with lesser respect if you drive a lousier car than all the other luxurious cars he is used to seeing and parking for.

Materialistic is what life is. And it sucks to the core.

Daddy turns 52

2009-11-11T22:16:00.002+08:00

It's my mom and dad's birthday today. My birth mother that is. My step mom's on the 3rd of May. I just want to wish them a quick one here before this day is over. They have the coolest birth date right? It would be so awesome in year 2011. His birthday is going to be on 11.11.11. As usual, my boyfriend insisted on buying him a present. So we went present shopping just a while ago. It's been so long since we walked around the mall together because my boyfriend really hates walking around the mall and he hates it even more when I stop by and walk in the shops but he's been really good today.

Did I mention that I actually forgot about his birthday until I was looking at the huge calender at the spastic home and realise that it was already the 11th of November, that explains the last minute shopping. I'm not the only one who forgot about it, both my sisters forgot about it too! Germaine was so funny when I asked her if she remembered that today is my dad's birthday. She was like 'Yah, I just realised that it was his birthday when I was in school. I somemore made him angry this morning because I didn't want to eat breakfast then when I got to school, I was like ohmygod, it's daddy's birthday today.' I guess we all felt bad.

Happy birthday mommy and daddy!

Medical Videos

2009-11-10T23:00:00.015+08:00

I have this urge of putting these videos up so that we can all be reminded of how blessed we really are because a lot of people really do not realise what some people might go through at the other corner of the world. I didn't, until I had to do a paper on these people a few semesters ago. I can't remember if I have put them up in the blog before, but I was just re-watching them and showing ShuLi some of them. I also thought that it'd be good to share it here. It's actually really sad to watch videos like these. Especially the video of Juliana Wetmore. Watching these videos make me have seconds thought on having kids. I am very sure that I will not be able to bear seeing my child turn out like that in this cruel cruel world.

*I didn't put these videos up so that you can have a laugh at them. If you want to laugh, please go elsewhere and maybe your children will turn out like that in the future, then you can have a laugh. Don't be mean.*

The video below is about a girl who has Tourette's Syndrome. I have to clarify here that not everyone who has Tourettes turn out as bad as her. Her condition is one of the most serious ones. Well, basically, people with Tourette's Syndrome experiences uncontrollable ticks (facial movements, head/hand/body jerking, or even twitching of the eyes or nose. Some of them swear uncontrollably too. They usually speaks their mind. For example when you see a really fat lady walk pass you, you would probably think in your head 'She's so fat' but people with Tourettes usually just say 'FAT' right in their faces. They just couldn't control themselves and they usually end up worse trying to control their behaviours. If you're really interested, go Google it up. It's a pretty interesting read.

2 More Months Till 2010

2009-11-09T13:01:00.010+08:00

October this year has been the most happening month for me I guess. It was a busy month compared to the other months where I basically don't have much life because at those times, I'll either be home or at my boyfriend's house watching TV alone where he spends his time with his laptop. Basically a routine-d life. We're all routine creatures, aren't we. So anyway, I have tonnes of pictures to upload. And since I am so free today, not to mention also so well-rested, I decided to upload them now.

Oh, before I do that, let me tell you about the charity event that I volunteered in yesterday. The event that had me waking up at 5.30am and feeling like a zombie. I initially wanted to save all the sleep for night, but I just couldn't. I crashed. Slept for 5 hours in Hoong's house, went out for dinner, came home and continued another 10 hours of sleep. Longest I have slept in weeks. So back to the event, it was a charity jogathon for the spastic children from the centre that I have been volunteering in. Those kids were amazing. I was really cautious around them because I didn't know what to expect from them because to be frank, I have not studied about them. I don't know if their brains function normally or do they understand the conversation I just had with them, I also don't know what to say to them because I don't want them to feel like I am belittling them. You know like how you feel when some Caucasians speak when they speak to us Asians? They go like 'Doo you speeakke Engg-lish?' all slow and complete with the hand gestures as if we are morons from the caves. Most of them just look at me and when I smile at them, they smile right back at me. Those big bright smiles. It's hard to not like them. It really melts my heart to see them in the wheelchair. Last week, I was at the centre, and I saw this really beautiful little girl in the wheelchair. She has this really soft looking face and is just really pretty. I felt so bad for her because I was imagining in my head the life she would have had if she wasn't a spastic. I always wonder what have they done to deserve such a life. So anyway, they performed percussion yesterday and it feels so good to see them so enthusiastic about their performance. I really don't know what I'm trying to say in this whole paragraph, because no words can describe how I felt when I look at them and interact with them. They're just really amazing people. I pray for them to be happy all throughout their lives and I hope you give a thought to these little kids once in every while too because you are all so fortunate to have the life you have now. I have to stop all these long winded talking now. I'll go get the pictures up right about now.

What : ShuLi's 21st Birthday & Akon's After Party

When : 23rd & 24th October 2009

Where : MOS

Ze birthday cake

Can't get enough of the cake

What : PikSan's 21st Birthday

When : 2nd November 2009

Where : ChanKee Restuarant & Dessert's Bar

The birthday girl and her cakes

What : Halloween

When : 31st October 2009

Where : MOS

Getting ready in ShuLi's house

L-R : Barbie (Rose), Cop (Me), Witch (Z), Student (PikSan), Chef (ShuLi)

Tanning with PikSan

I realise how small the pictures look. I would really love to post up all the pictures one by one, but it would take half an hour for you to scroll down my page and not to mention the time to load all of the pictures when you visit this page. You can always click on the picture to have a better view of it! :)

I've Had Better Days

2009-11-07T12:00:00.006+08:00

I'm feeling rather cranky today. I was woken up by a phone call from my dad who is just downstairs telling me that it's time to go visit my mom's grave and of course, he always remembers to end his phone calls with at a 5-second-nag-session. I was so exhausted I couldn't even remember what he said. I've only slept for four hours.

Recently, I have been feeling tired all the time, as if I haven't slept in a long time. I don't know why is that so. I mean, I do not sleep 8 hours a day, and I don't think I have been for awhile now, and I used to be fine. But just recently I felt like I could fall asleep when I'm driving myself to class. And the thing is I wake up automatically sometimes, and won't be able to fall back into sleep after that no matter how hard I try. Just imagine lying on the bed feeling so tired, but you just won't doze off. The thought of having to wake up at 5.30am tomorrow is already making me feel tired now.

So anyway, when I was on the way to Cheras where my mom was buried, many thoughts ran through my head. Going to places like Cheras or Klang or just some parts in KL always makes me feel dirty, basically just a feeling that I didn't like. It feels like I'm in Vietnam or Cambodia, not that I have been to any of those countries, but yeah, it just gives me that sort of feeling. Don't get me wrong, I would love to visit those countries, but to stay there on a long-term basis, I don't I can. It sort of reminded me of my childhood where I used to stay in flats and wooden houses. And I didn't like it one bit. I guess not many of my friends know that I have a very unsettled childhood. Because my mom passed away when I was just a toddler, my paternal grandmother took care of me, and brought me to everywhere she went. She doesn't have a house that she owns, so she moved around quite a bit from Malacca to KL and to Johor Bahru and I would follow her around and I remember bunking in with her in my aunty and uncle's houses. I think I did that until I was about 5 years old where I moved back to my dad's house in Cheras. Thank God he married my step-mom because she is from PJ, and she insisted on living in PJ, otherwise I wouldn't have been here for the past 15 years of my life.

When we arrived at the cemetery, my mom's grave was empty. No flowers, no candle waxes, no nothing and the wordings on the plate were almost gone. And a pang of guiltiness swept past me. I have actually forgotten totally about All Soul's Day (the ChingMing for Christians) until my dad reminded me about it. I can't even remember when was the last time I visited her. Everytime I go there, I will tell myself that I should go buy her flowers and help clean up the grave every now and then, but this thought always tend to slip off my mind after a few days, just like how I would promise myself to visit my maternal grandparents and then forget about it. I feel so unfilial and useless. Really not a very nice feeling.

The end of this month marks the 20th anniversary of my mom's death. To be honest with you, I do not have any sort of memories of her at all because she went off way too soon. Way before I knew anything about anything at all. I do miss her and long for her sometimes. And I wonder how would it be like to have her around me and I have always wished for things to turn out differently. I just wish that she could be here to see me grow, to be my friend. But these are all just plain hopes. My children will never get to know about their grandmother because I myself do not know much about her. It feels kinda sad. We hear this a lot, but I don't think many of us actually practices this enough including myself - Be very grateful for what you already have, instead of whining on petty things that makes life what it is suppose to be.

I don't know why but I just seem to be clouded by negative vibes today. Not a good way to start a Saturday. And it is only mid day now. Long day more to go.

One Year Has Passed

2009-10-31T11:11:00.004+08:00

Everybody, say happy first birthday to my blog!

Time has passed me by so quickly. I have been blogging for a year already, something I didn't think I would do when I first started. It has really been a lot of fun blogging, sometimes even I have a good laugh at myself reading my older blogposts. Many things have changed from the time I started blogging and I wonder what would it be like in October 2010. I saw this really interesting quote from someone else's blog, and it got me thinking how true it really is.

'We spend our whole lives telling ourselves everything happens for a reason. When in reality, it's just that we give reasons to everything that happens.'

Happy Halloween, ya'll!

I can't wait for the party tonight!

(I know you can't too Z ;p)

Bunch of Jokers

2009-10-28T15:24:00.003+08:00

This video is so funny, I felt like I was watching Discovery Channel where the animal coaches are being interviewed for a minute when Ris Low did her first cat-walk all dressed in animal prints. And I absolutely love the way Shan flips his 'hair' behind, reminds me of ShuLi.

Can anyone tell me, which part of her British accent is actually British? I think Alex would fall off his bed listening to her.

Halloween Yo

2009-10-28T01:12:00.008+08:00

I got to say this before proceeding to my post. I actually typed in my password without thinking. I didn't even know what I was typing, my fingers just worked their ways there. And the password is not short at all. Isn't it amazing how our brains work?

So yeah. It's Halloween this Saturday and I'm uber excited about it. Yet another weekend to look forward to. But when it comes to dressing up, I'm all flat. Rose is going to be Barbie, Zingi a witch, Michelle a hippie, ShuLi last I heard was chef but I think there's a change of plan. Pat as teacher I guess, and PikSan still undecided. As for me, I think I'm going to go as a cop. Britney Spears inspired my outfit. Let me show you a picture of it.

I think it's really hot. I went costume shopping with Pat this afternoon at Times Square but I couldn't find what I wanted. But I think I'm still sticking to this plan, except I have to change a few stuff. Anyway, I was browsing through the net last night for inspiration and I saw this outfit I really liked and the best thing is, I saw it in Times Square. But it costs about rm100 and the ugly part is, I don't have a body like that to wear such outfit.

If I have a body like hers, you'd be sure to see me in this ;)

I also saw this in Time Square. Quite costly too.

I kinda like what Paris Hilton is wearing too.

The only time I celebrated Halloween was two years back, and the theme was 'Pimp With Chicks'

Not so much of a costume. More like uniform aye.

SinLing and Piksan's birthdays are around the corner too. In fact, all of our birthdays are pretty close together. We're celebrating PikSan's birthday this Saturday along with Halloween and as for SinLing, because she is away from us, I decided to sing her a birthday song ;) I don't have Mariah Carey's voice, but you can't complain okay *shy*. Because I have already removed all of my make-up, I blacked the screen out so that you won't die of shock. Hehe.

Now don't say I didn't miss you.

This Was Supposed To Be A Happy Post

2009-10-23T17:24:00.003+08:00

Ohamgeeeee. I just found out that the DJ I have been stalking all these while already has a girlfriend and I hate her. How can???!!! Uber depressed. I know it's not like I can be with him, but still.. I will no longer look at him the same way I used to ever again. Sigh. Tong, I sad :'( Notice that tear drop there? Yeah. That's how sad I am.

Anyway, I initially wanted to blog about how relieved I was about finally finishing my assignments, about how happy I was today because the exam questions were beyond easy and also about how thrilled I am about ShuLi's birthday party tonight. But no, that damn picture I saw on Facebook had to ruin everything. Oh well, whatever that has been seen cannot be unseen.

I am now talking to ShuLi on MSN, and before she tells you guys anything, let me tell you myself first.

ShuLi : Have to go home early to fashion show already. I have nothing to wear.

Sara : Same. Today whole day never eat. Feel like stomach small already.

ShuLi copy-pasted what I wrote and said that she is going to tell the whole world. I don't see any point in this ShuLi. By the way, she called me psyhocochytrist. What a big word.

Compilation Of Pictures

2009-10-19T05:08:00.004+08:00

Malacca September 12, 2009

Genting October

HOT Magazine 5th Birthday

Swimming on a rare sunny day

MOS First Anniversary. October.

Selfish Thoughts

2009-10-16T20:19:00.004+08:00

I have this habit of thinking about things before I doze off every night, provided that I'm not too exhausted. So last night, during that 15minutes or so before I fell asleep, this thought came into my mind.

Would I leave my boyfriend/husband if he got into a very bad accident and his entire lower body is basically there for nothing?

I gave it quite a bit of thought and as much as I would like to say 'No, I would stick by him no matter what', my answer is actually a yes. I mean, I will not leave him right away, I would stay with him for however long I could stand not being able to lead a normal life with him. Bear in mind, I am talking about the present or at least the near future (say in 5 or 10 years to come?), not in 50 years' time where I am old and haggard. Obviously then I will not leave him because I have spent almost my entire life with him. Probably have grandkids already. What is the point of finding a new old man, right?

My decision might sound selfish but does the thought of you having to bear the responsibility of feeding not only yourself but also your husband/future husband for the rest of your life not scare you away? Okay, you might say now that you don't mind because the love for that man in your life is so strong that you don't care about anything. But have you thought of the fact that he too will feel incompetent and stressful that he is no longer the man of the house and that, could probably be a never-ending issue because he will feel insecure all the time and thus, will spark endless arguments between the two of you? I feel that being in a marriage like this could possibly ruin the rest of your life. The accident is just the tip of the iceberg of problems coming up between the two of you in the future.

Of course, if I was the one who got into the accident, I would not want my other half to leave me because of that. It would hurt me like no other to know that already my condition is this bad, I have to endure the pain of someone leaving me. But I guess eventually I would understand that everyone is selfish and I wouldn't blame him for leaving me because he was not born to take care of a paralysed girlfriend his entire life. He has the liberty to choose whether or not he wants to stay. But I guess even if he wants to stay, I would shine away because I could not bring myself to face the fact that I will be useless for the rest of my life.

Share your thoughts with me, would you?

Low Chu Kang?

2009-10-14T12:05:00.001+08:00

I cannot believe he actually did this.

Acid Washed DIY

2009-10-13T18:50:00.008+08:00

I was browsing through some girl's blog last night while I was supposed to be revising. And, she inspired me to do my own acid washed jeans. This girl is amazing and she is so bloody young! Only 17. God knows what I used to do when I was 17. But nevermind that now. I tell you, she uses the cheapest accessories, combine them and make them into the best looking things. Can't think of any other bigger word than 'SUPER UBER IMPRESSED' to express how I feel about her. *kowtow* to her. I love her. She gives me so many ideas.

Because I was too impatient and wanted to start bleaching my jeans as soon as I can, I forgot to take a picture of how it originally looked like. So I went on and google a picture to show you the original colour of my old jeans.

*This is so not my stomach*

I bleached it for over an hour until my the skin on my hands felt like they were tearing. I used up the entire bottle of bleach, that explains why. After an hour of bleaching and rinsing and bleaching and rinsing and finally throwing it into the washing machine for a quick turn, it went from this dark blue, to this

Tadah!!

Now, all I have to do is to skinny-fy them. Then they're good to wear!

Yeah, I did two of my jeans. But I prefer the one on the left. The one I showed you above.

The ones you get from stores are like these

So, I think mine look pretty good. Not too bad lah, right?

Right, right, right???

I was thinking of ripping them too. Like this.

What do you think?

I think I'm going to stud them with gold studs as well.

So proud of myself at the moment :) If you too want to be proud of yourselves, go on to Yasmine's blog to check out more tips on how to recycle your old clothes into the lastest fashion! Good luck! :)

http://yasminetran.blogspot.com/

Tell her I said hi and ask her if I can be her friend for me if you ever drop by :)

*shy*

Make-Up!

2009-10-11T10:56:00.009+08:00

This girl, Kandee Johnson is crazy! I found her video while looking for Megan Fox look alike make-up video sometime ago and I was impressed because she did a superb job on it, so I went on and watch other videos of her and I would say that she does some pretty amazing make up and is probably one of the best make-up artists around. I am only sharing this because I am kind. Afterall, sharing is caring, right? Children always have this kind of innocent thinking, unlike grown, developed, matured adults (they sometimes have the nastiest thoughts and behaviours. Besides, there are really some people who needs to take up make-up lessons, especially when celebrating one of their biggest day in life (ie 21st birthday) ;)

I know I'm a little too late in posting this because many of my friends would have been done celebrating their 21st birthday, but I guess it's never really too late to learn. ShuLi, maybe you can turn up as Lady Gaga, or even better, Edward Scissorhands for your upcoming birthday!

Just make sure you don't turn up like

RuHua

HAHAHAHAHA

Now, go on and watch the videos and be impressed! :)

Megan Fox

Marilyn Monroe

Edward Scissorhands

And this, I had to share. NOSE SLENDERIZING. So you do not end up looking like the above pictures!! :)

Isn't she awesome?

Of course there are many more videos of her giving make-up tutorials. Go on to YouTube and search for Kandee Johnson. She has a full range of beauty videos, from teaching you how to put on eyelash to hair to skin. I think she's every girl's ultimate dream best friend. With her, you'll always look good!